When we say aros can date or aces can have sex, we aren’t appealing to normativity; we’re speaking about liberation and against gold-star gatekeeping. There is no vow of singleness or celibacy in being a-spec. You can do what you want. It’s about identity not behavior.
The context for these discussions is when allos and gatekeeping a-specs say we aren’t really ___ because they think it’s about choices. If you understand that and don’t have anyone telling you, “But you can’t be a-spec because you….” then these discussions are not for you. And that’s great!
It means we are making progress if a-spec people don’t know why it’s important and educational to separate behavior and identity. If you aren’t constantly conscious if you’re acting aro or ace enough “to count.” If you accept without question that there are many ways to be a-spec, that’s amazing because it’s proof that the last decade of activism worked!
But if you know your own community history, you understand why these phrases like “can still date” or “some aces have sex” are vital to liberation frameworks. Not long ago, this was MIND-BLOWING. And controversial.
So congrats if you don’t get it because you had elders who came before you to pave the groundwork so you don’t have to fight the need to police your behavior to prove you belong or have earned your labels.
This is not purity culture. You don’t have to repent or reform your life choices or pledge your virginity or stay single or be accountable to a leader who will determine if you are living in asexual or aromantic righteousness. THAT’S what we mean when we say you can date as an aro person or have sex while being asexual. For some people, that’s the missing piece they need to hear and is not at all as obvious to them as it is to you.
Invisible Cake Society 