asexuality, queer, resources

Ace and allo partnerships

Recently, I was asked about ace and allo marriages, and I didn’t have any resources about marriage/partnership and asexuality, especially when one of those partners is allo. In fact, there really aren’t many resources like this out there in general. I’ve never been in a partnership like this as an adult, so I don’t have any experience in this area to draw from. However, aces and their allo partners on Twitter were eager to help and share what they have learned. We all hope these stories and links can strengthen ace/allo marriages and long-term committed partnerships of all kinds. 

My thanks to M.J. Weissenberger, Mitchell Atencio, Grey, Loxley Blaine, Russ Walker, Case, Cody Daigle-Orians, Kate Wood, our anonymous friends, and everyone who replied to my tweet here.

Many mentioned setting boundaries, trying nontraditional things that work for you (separate beds or bedrooms, for example), honest communication, being willing to compromise when you can but be honest when you can’t, and learning more about various ace labels and experiences to have clearer language to communicate your needs and desires. While therapy in general is a good fit for this kind of relationship issue, many therapists are not ace-informed, especially marriage and relationship therapists, so be careful going in to choose someone who understands your situation and won’t pressure you into sex or relationship structures that don’t work for you. For example, some ace/allo partners found polyamory was a good fit and enjoy multiple relationships, but others didn’t and resented how it was assumed or presented as the “solution” to fix their relationship. Some of these answers may work for you and some won’t. They are not blanket solutions, simply lived experiences of those in these partnerships.

Here’s more of what aces and allos in relationships with aces had to say:

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faith, queer, resources

A prayer for a misused name/pronoun

By Rev Naomi Miller, Church of the Apostles, Guelph. Thank you, Rev. Miller, for letting me share this here!

Image description: As we celebrate Pride Month, it may be that someone you know and love has asked you to address them by a new name, or to speak about them using different pronouns. These changes in language can be difficult–especially because so much of our relational language is gendered. Mistakes happen. And trying (again) matters. God so often calls people by name. And throughout scripture, names have special significance. To call someone by the correct name is an act of love, as is using correct pronouns. When we get it wrong, advice from transgender advocates is: Don’t make it about you and how hard it is to change. Just apologize, correct, and carry on. Then practice, and get it right next time.

O God,

You know me by my name.

You know <name> by <pronoun> name.

Let the words I use when I speak to <name> and about <pronoun> show my love for <pronoun>.

faith, queer, resources

Queer theology and the Bible

Usually, when someone becomes affirming, it is because they have seen the bad fruit of non-affirming theology. They know you can judge a tree by its fruit, and the fruit of the Spirit are useful tools for discernment. They usually know someone who is queer or know of them in some circle of proximity. They want to love their neighbors, and see that God is love, and can no longer support the theology of fear, hate, exclusion, suffering, and death they have previously been told is correct. They have usually had some sort of awareness (whether through gender or abuse or promises that never panned out or science or a thousand other things) that what is “traditional” in the church is not always what is faithful, best, or loving. At some point, they have to ask, “Is this really what the Bible says about LGBTQIA+ people? Is this really what God wants for his people and his church? If this is orthodoxy, what does that say about the gospel? Can I keep my faith and love my neighbor?”

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aromanticism, asexuality, faith, queer, resources

Queer podcasts

A few podcasts around queerness, queer faith, and aromanticism and asexuality. For my own podcast appearances, see Podcasts.

Queer – general

  • Queery
  • Making Gay History

Queer Christian

Search for these on your favorite podcast-listening platform!

aromanticism, asexuality, queer, resources

Asexuality and aromanticism resources

Asexuality is an orientation to describe not experiencing sexual attraction. Aromanticism is an orientation to describe not experiencing romantic attraction. Most people think of their attraction as both romantic and sexual, but these are not always aligned. Anyone can experience split attraction, so someone might be any combination of homoromantic, homosexual, biromantic, bisexual, queer, panromantic, pansexual, aromantic, asexual, or other orientations. These are also separate from gender identity.

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faith, queer, resources

Queer Christian resources

It’s not an easy spot to be in. The Christian community tells us to be straight. The LGBTQIA+ community tells us to leave behind religion. But we are living proof that there is a vibrant, welcoming, loving family where you can be both, fully Christian and no less queer. These sites below can connect you to church finders, resources, advocacy groups, small groups, books, social media accounts, newsletters, job listings, events, podcasts, and more.

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aromanticism, queer, resources

Aromanticism 101

Alright it’s time to talk about… aromanticism! I haven’t spent as much time on this as I have on asexuality, so it’s time to answer some questions and bust some myths.

Similar to how asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction, aromanticism is a lack of romantic attraction. I’m both aromantic and asexual, aro ace for short, but not every ace is aro and not every aro is ace. If you’re not aro and/or ace, you’re allo. So someone can be alloromantic asexual, aromantic allosexual, alloromantic allosexual, or, like me, aromantic asexual.

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