I’m primarily focusing my work on progressive Christianity and the queer church because that’s where I’m most needed and fit best, but others have blazed a trail before I got here and I’m not alone now.
Continue reading “Aromanticism, asexuality, and Christianity”Tag: queer
Homesick
Homesickness is a funny kind of illness. It sort of hurts all over. In your throat when someone asks the wrong question at the wrong time. In your lungs when a reminder of what you’ve lost takes your breath away. In your core when there’s the gut-punch of knowing what you long for may never come to pass. There’s a desperation to it, when hope and grief intertwine into an ache.
Someday, we know, someday, as our seasonal songs tell us: “The blind will see, the deaf will hear, the dead will live again.” Another tells us, “Chains shall he break, for the slave is our brother! And in his name all oppression shall cease!”
Luke 21:25-36 tells us to be on guard, for your redemption is drawing near. But we wait, we long for the time when all shall be made right, when there will be no more tears or death, no more oppression, or haves and have-nots, no more pandemics or natural disasters or injustice… when the upside-down Kingdom of God comes on earth as it is in heaven.
We wait. We hope. We long, with the deep groaning of the Spirit within us when words fail. It hurts, God. Life hurts so much.
Continue reading “Homesick”A prayer for a misused name/pronoun
By Rev Naomi Miller, Church of the Apostles, Guelph. Thank you, Rev. Miller, for letting me share this here!
O God,
You know me by my name.
You know <name> by <pronoun> name.
Let the words I use when I speak to <name> and about <pronoun> show my love for <pronoun>.
Side A. Celibate. Asexual. Queer.
Asexuality is not the same as celibacy. Lots of asexual people do have sex. Asexuality is about attraction, not behavior.
I am also celibate. I consider this a calling in the sense that God made me sex-averse intentionally and for a reason.
Not all asexual people are sex-averse.
My understanding of this vocation is different from those who typically get the microphone in regards to celibacy, talking about a traditional understanding of what gay people must do with their sexuality to be “orthodox.”
I’m Side A. How does this work?
Celibacy should be for those who are personally called to it. It should not be in any way related to your orientation. Straight, bi, pan, queer, ace, gay, whatever… you can be called to celibacy.
Important: This also has nothing to do with anyone else. It’s you and only you.
Side A theology doesn’t reserve any specific restrictions on any orientation. We are all one in Christ Jesus and each individual part of Christ’s body has its own calling. This is why I’m all over the podcast land as a celibate ace telling you to create your own sexual ethic.
Can you be Side A and celibate? YES. There is no sexual liberation without the choice not to have it. Side A doesn’t mean you personally feel called to have sex. It means the Bible is fully affirming of queer relationships and identities including the choice to have sex. Or not!
If anyone tells you you have to be Side B if you’re called to celibacy, here is your sign that that’s a lie. It’s about belief and biblical interpretation. Not behavior.
Stuff like this is why the church needs asexual leadership. We have the vocabulary for this. We need more Christian aces affirmed and heard. We need the church to understand the difference between attraction, behavior, desire, and vocation. Aces can lead. We’re worthy and called.
Remember: We aren’t new. Just erased. Just today I ran across a blog on a queer Christian website acknowledging asexuality as a queer orientation. It was written 21 years ago. We’ve been here. You just haven’t been listening or haven’t had the opportunity because of gatekeeping.
We’re in your churches. We may not know the label (though that’s changing as awareness grows), but we’re there. We might be partnered. But some of us are happily single, and we might be celibate and/or sex-averse. And we have words to describe that array of sexuality and desire.
Give aces a voice and you’ll discover so many keys to this beautiful diversity of God’s kingdom. We can help those called to celibacy and unite in our common goals. We can support singles who need help accepting their vocation to singleness.
We also face queerphobia, often recycled arguments used against bi or pan or gay and lesbian people are used against us, right here on this website every damn day and in churches and elsewhere.
Asexuality is so difficult to see because it is not only against traditional understandings of sexuality (heteronormativity) but also against the assumptions that we can sub in different genders into that traditional understanding (all have sexual attraction = allonormativity).
Asexuality is compatible with the Bible (and so is celibacy) but runs counter to “traditional Christian teaching” that emphasizes being created for heterosexual marriage, aka a lifelong sexual relationship, implying that God gives everyone attraction. So while asexuality and celibacy aren’t the same, we do have shared history.
Theology that only says same-sex marriage is ok without seeing vocational singleness and/or celibacy as holy too is missing it just as much as those who demand celibacy is the only “orthodox” answer for queerness. Both are missing the parallel diversity the ace community provides.
(Meaning that for centuries, asexuality has had to work out whether it is only for those not interested in the acts of sex, behavior, or for anyone without attraction, regardless of behavior. We landed on the latter in recent years. More on this elsewhere.)
So do I need Side A theology for my “pet sins”? Am I just capitulating to the culture to sleep with whoever I want? Am I Side A because celibacy is too hard? Am I going along with sexual trends of “the world”? Nope. I’m ace, single, and celibate. But I’m Side A because I’ve seen the good fruit when everyone is allowed to live out their own unique, God-given identities and vocations and behavior. Asexuality is a form of queerness that reveals anything is possible when we discard the narrow roles normativity would place on us.
So don’t devalue my calling by claiming it’s tied to orientation. Don’t perpetuate myths about asexuals by claiming it’s just “not having sex” or the same as celibacy. That’s not it. But aces and celibate people do have a lot of overlap and goals in common. It’s time to work together, fully affirming each other’s callings.
Queer theology and the Bible
Usually, when someone becomes affirming, it is because they have seen the bad fruit of non-affirming theology. They know you can judge a tree by its fruit, and the fruit of the Spirit are useful tools for discernment. They usually know someone who is queer or know of them in some circle of proximity. They want to love their neighbors, and see that God is love, and can no longer support the theology of fear, hate, exclusion, suffering, and death they have previously been told is correct. They have usually had some sort of awareness (whether through gender or abuse or promises that never panned out or science or a thousand other things) that what is “traditional” in the church is not always what is faithful, best, or loving. At some point, they have to ask, “Is this really what the Bible says about LGBTQIA+ people? Is this really what God wants for his people and his church? If this is orthodoxy, what does that say about the gospel? Can I keep my faith and love my neighbor?”
Continue reading “Queer theology and the Bible”Queer podcasts
A few podcasts around queerness, queer faith, and aromanticism and asexuality. For my own podcast appearances, see Podcasts.
Queer – general
- Queery
- Making Gay History
- Lesbi-Honest
Queer Christian
- Q Theology
- Queerology
- Lavender Mafia (*nsfw)
- A Tiny Revolution
- Refuge Radio
- Our Bible has a large list of affirming podcasts here
Search for these on your favorite podcast-listening platform!
Dangerous
Call me dangerous
Call me wayward
I’m not sorry
for my honesty
/
I am queerly a woman
And I was born set to bold
A persistent problem
To your systems and theology
/
I will not be quiet
Call me threat, call me fire
Let’s burn it down
Call me hurricane
/
I am hurricane
I will blow fear away
Rain down justice
Waters holy
/
We fought too hard
To play power games
There’s too much at stake
To stay silent in grey
/
So call me dangerous
Call me violent
Rainbow light
I split skies wider.
Queer Christian resources
It’s not an easy spot to be in. The Christian community tells us to be straight. The LGBTQIA+ community tells us to leave behind religion. But we are living proof that there is a vibrant, welcoming, loving family where you can be both, fully Christian and no less queer. These sites below can connect you to church finders, resources, advocacy groups, small groups, books, social media accounts, newsletters, job listings, events, podcasts, and more.
Continue reading “Queer Christian resources”Aromanticism 101
It’s time to talk about… aromanticism! I haven’t spent as much time on this as I have on asexuality, so it’s time to answer some questions and bust some myths.
Similar to how asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction, aromanticism is a lack of romantic attraction. I’m both aromantic and asexual, aro ace for short, but not every ace is aro and not every aro is ace. If you’re not aro and/or ace, you’re allo. So someone can be alloromantic asexual, aromantic allosexual, alloromantic allosexual, or, like me, aromantic asexual.
Continue reading “Aromanticism 101”Show yourself
There is a difference between being special and being rare.
Specialness has a value added to it. Precious, treasure, unique in the way that grins from ear to ear after completing the perfect performance. Memorably good. Exceptional in a positive way.
Rare can be that, as Selena Gomez describes in her song of that name, but it also has a bit of desperation sometimes. Vulnerable, lonely, unique in the sense that there’s not a lot of awareness or community or representation out there. Perhaps unpopular. An exception in the way where you can’t expect others to relate.
We all want to be the first: to be someone special, even if it’s just to one other person. To be seen for our uniqueness and to be loved for it, not in spite of it. That what makes us different makes us shine.
Instead, some of us are rare. We’re different in ways that make others uncomfortable. Expectations and plans others had for us go out the window, we spend a lot of time explaining ourselves or isolating so we don’t have to, and we might even be afraid of ourselves and our own uniqueness because it could hurt or disappoint others if they knew.
Continue reading “Show yourself”
Invisible Cake Society 