Month: June 2025

asexuality, essays

Answering questions about asexuality

jennadewitt

Aphobia is often rooted in intentional ignorance but contains actual legitimate questions non-hateful people have, but are now afraid to ask after seeing the responses to the aphobic person, which defeats the goal of educating. It’s time to address some of these questions in a safe and open place: here in the Invisible Cake Society!

First: We can generally tell the difference between questions asked respectfully and humbly and questions asked to bully, sea lion, and troll. We’re not perfect, and tone on the Internet is hard, especially when emotionally activated, but be encouraged that educators/activists want you to learn!

Now, let’s get going:

I’m into girls, but I’m also on the aromantic spectrum and asexual. What does that even mean? How can I be all of those!? Well, queerness is a big wibbly wobbly blob of grey areas, not neat boxes. Getting free of boxes is the point. Labels help us connect and communicate. They help us feel less alone, find resources, and form community to work on shared goals and experience belonging in a world that seeks to erase us.

We hear about sexual orientation, but there are others, usually but not always aligned. Romance, platonic, aesthetic, etc.

Also frequency: never, rare, average, or only in specific circumstances.

List of ace spectrum identities
List of ace spectrum identities

So if you rarely experience attraction to girls not boys, and that attraction is mostly nonsexual…

You may be sapphic asexual or ace lesbian, and possibly somewhere on the aromantic spectrum as well.

We then have favorability, indifference, aversion, and repulsion to specific behaviors.

This is different than sex positivity, neutrality, and negativity that are about attitudes toward sex in society.

Chart comparing various attitudes and preferences
Chart comparing various attitudes and preferences

Also generalized desire: you may want to experience kissing but not have a specific person or gender you’re particularly drawn to.

And biological libido/hormones.

All different independent but related things.

Attraction is a word we use with magnets. A fridge door is magnetic even when empty, but if you hold a magnet close, it will react with attraction. Aka, a gay person is still gay even when single or “not getting laid.” Same for straight or bi or pan, etc.

And vice versa, an asexual person is still ace even if they have a sexual partner. That person could be the rare exception of sexual attraction, or someone they love in other ways, or just a fun partner to have a good time with. That’s their business, not yours. Regardless, they are still ace.

We know people can still be straight (and we not only assume it but strictly enforce it as normal) even if they haven’t had sex or dated. But there’s a pressure to prove we aren’t broken or defective so we conform to the norm of romance and sex.

This is broadly called amatonormativity (amato, as in amorous, + normative). Amatonormativity means: the assumption that all people aspire to or have a romantic and sexual relationship at the center of their lives. It is the measure of not only whether you’re similar to others, but your desirability and attractiveness aesthetically and platonically, your success and maturity as an adult, and your character to be a good employee or leader.

“Virginity” is a conservative purity culture term that both honors the purity of a young person (let’s be real, teen girls) and is used as a barb to insult anyone past that “expiration date.”

This is true regardless of your thoughts on abstinence, which is waiting for marriage to have sex. Conservatives and self-proclaimed radical feminists and mainstream culture agree that people without a romantic and sexual relationship by an arbitrary age are societal rejects, undesirable, or sick.

The only part that differs is whether that relationship must be a marriage. Whether it is a hookup buddy or a covenant life partner in the eyes of God, society generally agrees not having one is enough to get you pity and “just get laid” or “needs a girlfriend/boyfriend” comments.

Say you have never or, worse, don’t want, such a relationship, and they lose their minds. How!? Isn’t a romantic and sexual partner a requirement for maturity, health, success, and personal survival??? No, it isn’t.

That’s why while everyone should have the legal right to have romance and sex with any gender, sex and romance are not a “right” you can demand from others. The gender of your partner(s) should not be constrained by law AND ALSO you are not entitled to that relationship from another gender or individual.

This is the consistency of consent. It goes both ways: There is no sexual or romantic liberation without the choice to refuse romance and/or sex. If we’re only fighting for the right to choose the gender of our partner but otherwise chained to the same stigma and shame, that’s not liberation.

If we’re only fighting for the right to choose the gender of our partner but otherwise chained to the same stigma and shame, that’s not liberation.

And yes, I don’t just mean stigma and shame over having had sex or romance but also over NOT having had it or not desiring it.

This liberation benefits not only aro and ace people who are less likely to have partners but EVERYONE who is single, whether by choice or not, divorced or widowed, etc.

In case you haven’t read stats on that lately, that’s roughly half the population. And many of those singles aren’t actively looking for a partner, whether they were partnered before or not.

  • So are asexual people “just straight”? No. Some may have hetero attractions, some have gay or bi or pan to describe their attractions, and some are just aro ace with no attractions. And some are a combination. Remember, people are a wibbly wobbly mush.
  • Is orientation about how much, or the type, or the quality of sex we’ve had or not had? Nope. Attraction and behavior are independent topics. Related, yes. Entirely the same? Not at all.
  • Like magnets, you can change the shortcut terms you use to describe yourself at any time. Maybe in your 20s you were positive that you were a straight, female, sporty, extroverted premed student. Maybe in your 40s now, you are a bi, nonbinary, bookish, ambivert therapist. Labels change! Growth!

Learn more here

asexuality, essays, faith

Asexuality and the gospel of liberation

jennadewitt

It makes sense why queer Christian theology is often heavily sexually centered, given our history, but the best queer theologians balance it with ace inclusion. Not just as a footnote, but as a core goal. The point is ending amatonormativity and gaining collective liberation, which takes all of us—of every gender, orientation, relationship style, race, ability, culture, and more. Rightfully practiced, Christianity—with the words of Jesus at the center—drives us forward to this goal.

Jesus is as clear of an aromantic asexual Christian role model as we could ever ask for! Embracing found family and breaking gender and class binaries are foundational to his life. There’s just no way to read the gospels and come away with a factual interpretation that centers amatonormativity. That doesn’t stop the global church (now or historically), of course, because institutions and patriarchal power structures are best served by amatonormativity and all that comes with it.

When women are free to earn their own money, when singles are equal to married people, when everyone has the same rights and respect regardless of gender or orientation or relationship status or race or disability, we can liberate ourselves from the oppression that power structures are built on. That’s gospel, as Christlike as it gets, but it’s the exact opposite of what those in power want because it would require true humility, servant leadership, the Beatitudes, sacrifice, and loving others as themselves. It would be for the benefit of all, including themselves, but there’s nothing that scares them more than the risk and exposure of vulnerability.

I truly believe the only way forward is shame resilience, tolerance of vulnerability, finding belonging within, and developing healthy, boundaried empathy that leads to freedom beyond anything gatekeeping or virtue signals or scarcity can achieve. That’s work each of us can do, whether by reading books by Brene Brown, Aundi Kolber, and Matthias Roberts; or doing therapy one on one or as a part of a couple or in a group; or listening to podcasts, lectures, or wise friends and leaders who can guide us there.

When we liberate our minds and hearts, we are free to see others who are unimaginably different than us as a gift to the Body of Christ. We aren’t threatened or defensive because we honor what other identities and perspectives can bring that we can’t.

With the fruit of the Spirit as our guide, we lead from a common goal that all will be free: asexual and allosexual, aromantic and alloromantic, queer and allocishet, and more. Single or partnered, parents and childfree, living alone or with others, sexually celibate or abstinent or solo or partnered or open or any combination. Everyone.

But we can’t get there while asexuality (and aromanticism and our respective spectrums) remain erased and invisible in the church. We are vital to the liberation of Christ. We queer queer theology. We challenge norms in ways that rewriting gender rules alone can’t. We defy expectations and push beyond affirming marriage or ordination or any one label or issue in our unique ways, as all letters do if given proper consideration. But for asexuality, it isn’t as simple as churches might think. We are going to ask more than a flag at Pride or a language change, but a mentality shift that will require surrender of structures and norms and old visions and false realities.

But don’t fear. It’s the surrender of flight, falling into the ways of Jesus and finding ourselves held by the wings of love the whole time. That is, if only we have the courage to listen to asexuals, end amatonormativity, and become something so much better: the family of God.

Ornament on a Christmas tree that says Be Proud of Who You Are
Ornament on a Christmas tree that says Be Proud of Who You Are

essays, queer

What’s one thing every queer Christian/Jesus-adjacent person of faith should do at least once in their lives?

jennadewitt

Perhaps cliche, perhaps meaning more from someone with social anxiety:

Please, at least once, attend a Pride festival. Find one that’s in a mid-size town (mine was Aurora, Illinois, for example!) and bring a friend or acquaintance if you’re nervous. You don’t have to use your legal name to go, you don’t have to be IN the parade, you don’t have to understand or know all the trivia first, you don’t have to drink alcohol or have sex, you don’t even have to know your labels or if you’re queer at all. Go observe, play some street fair games, buy from a local artisan, wear bright colors or rainbows or things that look like your flag if you know what it is.

Selfie of a girl with an asexual heart sticker on a phone case
More subtle Pride selfie

For example, as an asexual girl, I wore black shorts and sandals, a purple and black shirt with a vague feminist Girls Rule the World (ironically from Victoria’s Secret haha), and a white undershirt. You CAN be as bold and bright as you want, but you can also be subtle too. Go at your own pace and comfort level. If you’re up for sloppy buzzed at drag brunch on mimosas and PDA with your visibly queer partner, go for it! If you’re just stopping by anonymously on your way to the store because you “love local culture” and “celebrate community in your city,” hear me when I say that is okay!

The scariest part is the conservative protestors. Stay away from them your first time. Don’t get into Bible battles or argue theology. Ignore, walk around, cross the street, pick a spot far from them where the music drowns out their hate, strike up conversations with people standing around unoccupied near you, especially if they have kids or are new to this too or look like they know what they are doing and are just chilling. This may require some small talk, so if that’s emotionally draining for you, don’t stress about it. Just know if you need to to feel safe or if you have a question, everyone NOT shouting is pretty friendly.

If a parade is too much, look at the schedule and just attend the markets and shows so you can leave at any time. Mind the temperature and dress accordingly (including sunscreen and WATER water water). But don’t be afraid to go. It’s just rainbow Fourth of July (or insert local parade holiday here) in small and mid-size cities.

A girl in Pride gear
Me after Pride now haha

Even better is asking your affirming organization/hobby group/small business/sports team/school committee/club/church to host a booth (get connected to the festival organizers and then pass along what they say to your own leaders to have a finance/planning/outreach/service committee meeting about it NOW and don’t wait until the week before in May or June). You can use the booth to hand out water, stickers, magnets, flyers with your clear affirming stance and info to get connected, etc. Or you can join the Human Rights Campaign, Free Mom/Dad Hugs, PFLAG, or another similar organization always looking for volunteers. Leave time to walk around and enjoy Pride yourself too.

But even if you are an introvert’s introvert, or a socially anxious neurodivergent of any energy personality type, at least once when geographically possible, go be with our people in all your rainbow glory. It may take more than once to feel comfortable there. That’s okay. Just go and be in the same physical space and feel less isolated and despairing as you marinate in the joy and community and connection. Even if you don’t make a new friend or join a new group or sing karaoke or have a party bone in your body. Bring home a sticker or ribbon or locally crafted item or something, just to remind yourself every day that you were there and it is real still, in every queer and allied heart around you.

allyship, aromanticism, asexuality, queer, resources

The Queer Identities Flowchart

jennadewitt
  • LGBTQIA overview
  • L G B and Q
  • A spectrum
  • Gender spectrum
  • Intersex and plus

I’m hoping this flowchart can help everyone understand that the letters aren’t just a jumble of alphabet soup, but there is an organized system behind each one. It’s easier to see if you click the arrows to navigate through each slide, focusing on a specific section. These concepts are pretty much a multiple-choice test.

Orientation options include:

  • Attracted to the other binary gender
  • Attracted to my gender
  • Gender isn’t a factor
  • Attracted to multiple genders
  • Don’t know/don’t need to specify
  • Rarely or in certain situations
  • Just sexual
  • Just romantic
  • None of the above

Gender options include:

  • Same as the one everyone expected when I was born (“assigned at birth”)
  • No gender
  • Fluid or more than one gender or a gender not in the binary
  • The other binary gender of the one everyone expected when I was born

Intersex identities and other variations of queerness are also included.

Open these in a new tab or zoom in to explore!

LGBTQIA overview
A spectrum
Gender spectrum
Intersex and plus

Hope these are helpful! This is meant to be the start of the conversation, not the end point. Explore more in-depth and specific identities here: https://lgbtqia.wiki/wiki/LGBTQIA%2B_Wiki:FAQ