aromanticism – Invisible Cake Society

allyship, aromanticism, asexuality, Poetry, queer

Occurrences

November 6, 2025 jennadewitt

It occurs to me tonight to put my rainbow grocery bag in the trunk. Not just because that’s where it belongs, but to not give anyone an excuse to take out their religion on my car window.

It occurs to me that if I were in a redder county, I would never have left it visible to begin with.

It occurs to me on a Walmart run after work that I should have taken off my company staff badge with the Pride flag on the back while walking alone in the dark.

It occurs to me that in other places, I would never have been allowed to put that sticker on my identification to begin with.

It occurs to me to move my black ace ring to my left ring finger in a protective lie, signaling to the men of the crowd that I am another man’s property. If they don’t respect my humanity, they may respect the rights of possession—or at least the fear of violating them.

It occurs to me that I have the privilege of safety in being gender conforming, able to chameleon my way into invisibility.

It occurs to me that I have to constantly remind people I know what I’m talking about, that my experiences are erased, that I am here too, that we are not new or a trend or a bonus feature.

It occurs to me that I do not require documents to be changed, or medicine to be seen as myself, or a search for my literal voice with the help of lessons.

It occurs to me that I am likely the only one you know. That when I speak, I must point to many others like me but not like me, so you have a broader view.

It occurs to me that I occupy a space of assumed privilege as others explain marginalization that I live every day myself. Amusing at times, but mostly frustrating.

It occurs to me that my intersections give me advantages to steward so others will be heard.

It occurs to me that most people don’t have to wonder if their friends, family, church, or job will disown them over basic identity facts. If they confess who they are, will they receive a birthday card this year, will they have any references for their job applications, will they be welcomed home at Christmas, will they still have an emergency contact?

It occurs to me that others have faced far worse: Will they still have a home, food, a functional body, their lives?

It occurs to me that there is safety in numbers, and my numbers are small, often just me and my carabiner and my rainbow T-shirt.

It occurs to me that an ally up the mountain was murdered for less.

It occurs to me that I can change my shirt, but others can’t change their voice, their government, their bones.

It occurs to me that some allies will only care to the point that it is comfortable to be with us. Our humanity is an issue on which they agree to disagree with friends and colleagues and those who can help their careers.

It occurs to me I must have patience for the indoctrinated.

It occurs to me that I don’t have the tolerance to wait.

It occurs to me, too, that even the wait is privilege. Others, our youngest, are running out of time.

allyship, aromanticism, asexuality, queer, resources

The Queer Identities Flowchart

June 8, 2025June 8, 2025 jennadewitt

I’m hoping this flowchart can help everyone understand that the letters aren’t just a jumble of alphabet soup, but there is an organized system behind each one. It’s easier to see if you click the arrows to navigate through each slide, focusing on a specific section. These concepts are pretty much a multiple-choice test.

Orientation options include:

Attracted to the other binary gender
Attracted to my gender
Gender isn’t a factor
Attracted to multiple genders
Don’t know/don’t need to specify
Rarely or in certain situations
Just sexual
Just romantic
None of the above

Gender options include:

Same as the one everyone expected when I was born (“assigned at birth”)
No gender
Fluid or more than one gender or a gender not in the binary
The other binary gender of the one everyone expected when I was born

Intersex identities and other variations of queerness are also included.

Open these in a new tab or zoom in to explore!

Hope these are helpful! This is meant to be the start of the conversation, not the end point. Explore more in-depth and specific identities here: https://lgbtqia.wiki/wiki/LGBTQIA%2B_Wiki:FAQ

aromanticism, asexuality, resources

International A-specs!

April 6, 2024 jennadewitt

April 6 is International Asexuality Day, highlighting asexual organizations and people all over the world. Asexuality is not unique to North America or the UK. We are everywhere in every culture and country and time zone. Here are organizations highlighting not only asexuality but also aromanticism and both spectrums.

Argentina: https://twitter.com/asexualidad_ , https://twitter.com/arromanticos, https://twitter.com/Asexhh

Asia: https://linktr.ee/asexualityasia

Australia, New Zealand, Oceania, Asia Pacific: https://acearolinks.carrd.co/

Brazil: https://linktr.ee/coletivoabrace

Germany: https://aspecgerman.de/, https://twitter.com/aro_sphere, https://twitter.com/ace_arovolution

India: http://www.indianaces.org/

Ireland: https://aspecsireland.carrd.co/, https://twitter.com/IrishAsexuality

Mexico: https://asexualesmexico.com/

Netherlands: https://aseksualiteit.nl/

Nigeria: https://twitter.com/AceandNigerian

Spain: https://asexual.es/

UK: https://twitter.com/GlasgowAce

US: https://twitter.com/acelosangeles, https://twitter.com/AcesNYC

More ace and aro organizations across the U.S., Europe, and the Philippines: https://acesandaros.org/groups

More aro organizations here: https://www.aromanticism.org/en/in-person-communities

More ace organizations here: https://internationalasexualityday.org/en/local/

aromanticism, asexuality, essays

Can still?

February 11, 2024January 24, 2024 jennadewitt

When we say aros can date or aces can have sex, we aren’t appealing to normativity; we’re speaking about liberation and against gold-star gatekeeping. There is no vow of singleness or celibacy in being a-spec. You can do what you want. It’s about identity not behavior.

The context for these discussions is when allos and gatekeeping a-specs say we aren’t really ___ because they think it’s about choices. If you understand that and don’t have anyone telling you, “But you can’t be a-spec because you….” then these discussions are not for you. And that’s great!

It means we are making progress if a-spec people don’t know why it’s important and educational to separate behavior and identity. If you aren’t constantly conscious if you’re acting aro or ace enough “to count.” If you accept without question that there are many ways to be a-spec, that’s amazing because it’s proof that the last decade of activism worked!

But if you know your own community history, you understand why these phrases like “can still date” or “some aces have sex” are vital to liberation frameworks. Not long ago, this was MIND-BLOWING. And controversial.

So congrats if you don’t get it because you had elders who came before you to pave the groundwork so you don’t have to fight the need to police your behavior to prove you belong or have earned your labels.

This is not purity culture. You don’t have to repent or reform your life choices or pledge your virginity or stay single or be accountable to a leader who will determine if you are living in asexual or aromantic righteousness. THAT’S what we mean when we say you can date as an aro person or have sex while being asexual. For some people, that’s the missing piece they need to hear and is not at all as obvious to them as it is to you.

aromanticism, asexuality, essays, queer

You Are Not Bad Representation: A list of things you don’t have to do

January 24, 2024 jennadewitt

1. You don’t have to be perfect as a queer person to prove that queerness is good. For the Christians, this might show up as pressure to individually always display fruit of the spirit to prove we are morally okay. While queer-affirming theology does lead to fruit of the spirit at a population level, you individually don’t have to be perfect to prove queerness as a whole is okay.

2. You don’t have to be content or fulfilled as a single aromantic and/or asexual person. There’s a lot of pressure on us to prove we aren’t missing out or scared of commitment or broken. But it’s okay to feel lonely because honestly life is lonely sometimes, and being a-spec in an amatonormative world is hard.

3. You don’t have to want to date or have sex even if you are allo and queer. Liberation isn’t about checking off a list of formerly forbidden behaviors. It just makes what you DO want possible because you have the freedom to choose.

4. You don’t have to want poly, open, or otherwise ethical nonmonogamous relationships in order to be supportive of others’ choices and desires. It’s okay to say this isn’t for you while advocating for others to have the same freedom of choice in the opposite direction.

5. You can decide your labels were wrong and change them, add more, or stay questioning forever. There’s no deadline to join a faction or house or cabin. This is not a fictional school or dystopian society. Even if it means detransitioning or deciding you aren’t attracted to your gender or realizing you aren’t on the a-spectrum after all. You’re always welcome as long as it’s helpful, and you’re welcome back if you change your mind or find better language. Keep fighting for your former community and be a well-informed ally.

6. You don’t have to date or have sex with someone of your same gender. You don’t have to dress androgynous as a nonbinary person or pass as cis if you’re transitioning. You don’t have to change your appearance or music or media tastes or hobbies to fit in. It’s about identity, not behavior.

7. You don’t have to renounce everyone you’ve been with or every term you previously identified with. You don’t have to have been born this way or have known as a kid. There’s no “must have exhibited symptoms before age ___” diagnostic criteria. Your whole story is your story, whether you’ve always known or just realized at age 80. Fluidity, self-awareness, and learning new terms are all valid reasons to identify differently than you did when you were younger.

8. You do not have to drink alcohol.

9. You don’t have to be feminine to be a gay man or masculine to be a lesbian. You don’t have to hate Valentine’s and rom-coms to be aro or hate sexual humor or erotica to be asexual. You don’t have to be hyperfeminine to be a trans woman or hypermasculine to be a trans man. Or feel completely androgynous to be nonbinary or agender. You can have as many genders as you want or any self-experience or expression.

10. Relatedly, you don’t have to stick to gender roles. The point is that we’re breaking free of heteronormativity, not recreating it in a more inclusive way. Stop expecting trans men or butch lesbians or bear gay men to fill patriarchal “man of the house ” “wears the pants” roles, and stop treating trans women and femme lesbians and twink gay men to be the delicate or incapable or weak one. What choices work for you is between you and your partner, not the “shoulds” of rebranded patriarchy.

aromanticism, asexuality, disability, essays, faith, Mental health, neurodivergence, queer

A complicated year

December 19, 2023 jennadewitt

I started this year with a specific Word of the Year, a tradition in Christian women’s circles dating back to the heyday of the “blogsphere.” I usually don’t remember mine by April, but this year was different. This year the word that came to me, or that I picked (depending on what you believe about such things), was “complicated.”

As in, letting myself be.

I refused to simplify myself any longer. I would not pretend to be straight for others’ comfort. I would not pretend to be the perfect gold-star aromantic asexual person while denying the reality of my vague sapphic attractions, while accepting that I would never be fully accepted in the lesbian community either. Aromantic and yet a romantic. A cis woman and yet deeply, intrinsically, queerly, asexually so.

I would not hide that I have nontraditionally presenting ADHD in addition to my variety pack of mental illnesses. I would give up trying to screen and test myself over and over for autism, which I probably don’t actually have but also don’t not have entirely. I would be hyperactive and exhausted, both wrapped in brain fog and begging for someone quick enough to catch up with my twice-exceptional brain that has already put the pieces together. I would live into the reality of my disabilities despite feeling unqualified to use that term. I would respect my body’s needs and differences as my own and not the object of others’ expectations.

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allyship, aromanticism, asexuality, disability, faith, Mental health, neurodivergence, queer, resources

Naming

January 10, 2023April 11, 2023 jennadewitt

As you might assume from my content on this site, I carry a lot of labels. Some are less well-known than others, and some carry inaccurate connotations. Some I am constantly working for greater awareness of, and others I keep quieter about. These labels have been immensely helpful for me, whether they are as specific as a microlabel on the spectrum of aromantic and asexual identity or as broad as the unifying and nebulous umbrella terms that I’m not sure where all I fit within.

Naming is important to self-concept and acceptance of our identity, but there are equally important stages that we move through before and after we first say, “Hi, my name is ____ and I’m ____.” These aren’t strictly linear, but they are numbered for the sake of organization:

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aromanticism, asexuality, faith, resources

Aromanticism, asexuality, and Christianity

January 25, 2022April 23, 2025 jennadewitt

I’m primarily focusing my work on progressive Christianity and the queer church because that’s where I’m most needed and fit best, but others have blazed a trail before I got here and I’m not alone now.

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