asexuality, essays

Show Yourself

There is a difference between being special and being rare. 

Specialness has a value added to it. Precious, treasure, unique in the way that grins from ear to ear after completing the perfect performance. Memorably good. Exceptional in a positive way.

Rare can be that, as Selena Gomez describes in her song of that name, but it also has a bit of desperation sometimes. Vulnerable, lonely, unique in the sense that there’s not a lot of awareness or community or representation out there. Perhaps unpopular. An exception in the way where you can’t expect others to relate.

We all want to be the first: to be someone special, even if it’s just to one other person. To be seen for our uniqueness and to be loved for it, not in spite of it. That what makes us different makes us shine. 

Instead, some of us are rare. We’re different in ways that make others uncomfortable. Expectations and plans others had for us go out the window, we spend a lot of time explaining ourselves or isolating so we don’t have to, and we might even be afraid of ourselves and our own uniqueness because it could hurt or disappoint others if they knew.

  

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asexuality, essays

No more waiting (p. 2)

So while working at a company owned by the very corporation that funded and marketed the True Love Waits movement that popularized the purity ring madness of the 2000s, living in the “buckle of the Bible belt,” I decided my purity ring was a lie. 

I wasn’t waiting for anything. Not because I’d changed my beliefs on abstinence or met a person I wanted to sleep with, but because I had no use for it. There was nothing to wait for. 

Catch up with part 1 here


It was in this time that I discovered a useful term. 

As the nation exploded with discussions of the legality of same-sex marriage, I searched for something that fit my lack of anything to wait for. I was no more attracted to women than I was to men. I gave it serious consideration for the sake of logical elimination, but the word gay didn’t fit either. Bisexuality sounded somewhat relatable, but in practice, the exact opposite of my experience. 

Then I read about asexuality. But what about those high school relationships? I had dated, so I couldn’t be asexual, right? I pondered demisexual; perhaps I was only into those boys because I had known them long enough to develop an emotional bond with them that grew into rare attraction? Perhaps I was just gray-asexual and only rarely experienced attraction. Maybe I got all mine over within a few years? There was also a romantic component. This one was much harder. It’s one thing to not experience sexual attraction, but it’s something else altogether to not experience romantic attraction. And to add to it, to not want romantic or sexual relationships. 

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asexuality, essays

No more waiting (p. 1)

cupcake with heart
Photo by Snapwire on Pexels.com

The purity movement backlash has been an interesting phenomenon in that otherwise-still-evangelical Christians are speaking out against it. Most conservative Christians who are doing this are disavowing purity culture, not abstinence. There are plenty of people who have been deeply hurt by purity culture that would still very much advocate for abstinence until marriage.

Purity culture is when virginity is made into an idol so that it is more important than grace. Women and even little girls are sexualized as objects of temptation. Women are blamed for men’s lust to the point of being excluded and discriminated against. Men’s groups only discuss avoiding porn and not pursuing Jesus, and, in extreme cases, harassment and even rape is excused by their sexual attraction to their victim (whether it’s her too-tempting clothing, smile, or empathy).

Continue reading “No more waiting (p. 1)”