As aromantic- and/or asexual-spectrum Christians and Jesus-adjacent people, it can be hard to believe that we are not alone. There are few examples of us in queer Christian spaces speaking about our experiences, not to mention the broader queer or Christian/faith worlds in general. I want to do my part to change that with this website and connect you with more a-spectrum Christian and Christian-ish people across the internet. This summer, I’m hosting a short Q&A series. If you would like to be included, send me an email using my contact form here.
- Hi! We’re so glad you’re here. Can you introduce yourself to the Invisible Cake Society with your name, pronouns, any identity labels you feel like sharing?
So honoured to be invited to take part in this! I’m Paul, he/him. I identify currently as asexual—more specifically navigating the spaces of greysexuality, aegosexual expression, and demisexuality (where sexual attraction has only ever flickered into place after a deep, secure emotional connection is formed). I am very aware of an aesthetic and emotional attraction to women, though I’m still figuring out whether heteroromantic or aromantic describes the romantic side of that best! - What do you like to spend your time doing, online or in person, creatively and/or professionally?
My day job is a civil servant in the UK Government, helping and supporting people into employment. When I’m not at work, I spend creative time playing piano and viola (not at the same time!). I am also deeply passionate about exploring the landscape around me; I love walking in nature and visiting medieval churches, finding a lot of peace in their history, spirituality and architecture. I’m a fan of movies and TV drama and documentaries, and I’m an avid reader—mostly non-fiction around spirituality and the faith journey, but I’m also a fan of the Sister Fidelma mysteries by Peter Tremayne. - When did you hear about aromanticism and asexuality, and when did you realize they described you?
For many years, I carried the weight of a complex relationship history. My first marriage lasted seven years and bore us two children, but ultimately broke down under the weight of several painful factors, including the impact of a late miscarriage. My second marriage—a blended family with teenage step-children—also lasted seven years, but eventually just faded away and I found myself single again.
It was a few years after this when I finally encountered the term asexuality and it felt like a profound shift. Realizing that this described me was the missing piece of the puzzle; suddenly, my entire relationship history fell into place. Looking back through that lens, the long-standing confusion melted away, allowing me to view my past marriages and my whole life journey with a deep sense of peace, clarity, and self-compassion. - What’s your faith background and how would you describe your relationship with religion/spirituality/faith today?
I was brought up in a village in Kent in the UK by Christian parents and attended our local Baptist church. It was pretty standard evangelical stuff—two services on Sundays, midweek prayer meetings, and youth groups. It gave me a very structured, traditional foundation. In my early 20s, I spent two pivotal years working at Lee Abbey—a Christian hotel, retreat, and conference centre on the North Devon coast run by a community of volunteers. That experience was foundational for my spiritual direction and journey, opening me to wide diversity of faith traditions, worship styles and spiritual practices. After leaving that environment, I went through a long, 15-year period of secularism—wandering through a spiritual desert of deconstruction where the old answers no longer held up. It wasn’t until 2019 that the seeds of something new began to take root. Today, I identify as a contemplative Christian, finding my spiritual home in a very personal, experiential blend of traditions. My practice is grounded as a regular attender at my local Quaker meeting, beautifully woven together with Celtic Christian spirituality and an Open and Relational theology. I’m very comfortable with mystery and prefer having questions that cannot be answered than answers that cannot be questioned. I am a spiritual wanderer! - How has your a-spec identity influenced your personal faith?
As someone who didn’t identify as ace until their 50s it’s interesting to look back and realise that even when I assumed I was heterosexual I always considered myself an ally to the LGBTQIA+ community. Not in an outspoken way, but just quietly aligning myself with the view that love is love, etc. I was raised in that teaching that said the Bible condemns same-sex relationships, but I could never quite accept that; and when I was going through my teens and early 20s—school, college, and even at Lee Abbey—as I formed friendships with people who were openly queer and got to know
them as people, I could not view them as the “deviants” I had been raised to see in, you know,
that “Love the sinner, hate the sin” stance. - How has your a-spec identity affected your relationship with religious or spiritual communities?
I think it’s put me at odds with some of my friends from that time at Lee Abbey. We’re all still in touch, 30 years on, online and through the occasional reunions. But I’m very respectful and honouring of other people’s faith journeys and positions. I’m aware that some still attend quite evangelical churches, but others I’ve chatted to have been on similar journeys to mine and are now also much more explorers of faith and so are comfortable when I say I’m asexual. - How has your faith affected your relationship with the a-spec or larger LGBTQIA+ community?I’ll be honest, as a quiet introvert I’ve never really had a close relationship with those larger groups and communities. I’ll support and promote them on social media, but I’ve never been one for being loudly out and proud or attending big Pride events. My advocacy is much more quiet and personal.
- Does your a-spec identity impact your gender identity? Or vice versa?
I don’t feel it impacts my gender identity directly—I’m comfortable identifying as a cisgender man. However, it definitely impacted how I viewed my gender roles. Growing up, there is a lot of societal pressure on men to be hyper-focused on dating, pursuing, and sex. Realising I am a-spec allowed me to let go of those rigid cultural expectations of what “being a man” is supposed to look like, which was incredibly liberating. - What should all a-spec Christians know?
The ultimate message of the Gospel is that God is Love. This is stated so many times in the Bible, especially in the New Testament and the Gospels. What all a-spec Christians should know is that you’re loved exactly as you are. Being true to yourself, learning to love yourself, and loving your neighbour—without the requirement of conforming to amative or romantic norms—is the very essence of living out that divine love. - What do you want the larger affirming LGBTQIA and ally Christian community to know about a-spec Christians?
A-spec Christians are just as valid—and valued—as anyone else. - At Invisible Cake Society, we highlight experiences that have been erased or seem invisible to those outside of them. What’s your favorite way to show your a-spectrum Pride?
Because I’m an introvert, my favourite way to show Pride isn’t through big public displays, but through quiet authenticity. For me, that looks like embracing my passions and leaning into the quiet places where I feel most connected. I find my resetting spaces in nature and through my twice-yearly retreats in the Yorkshire Pennines. It’s about being comfortable in my own skin, sharing my story when it matters, and creating spaces where others feel permitted to step away from the pressure of compulsory romance. Taking part in this interview is a big step in visibility for me! - Do you have a favorite example of a-spec representation (whether explicitly stated or not) in media, books, public figures, theater, etc.? What about them resonated with you?
To be honest, I haven’t come across many explicit examples of a-spec representation in the media I consume. However, as an avid reader and TV viewer, I always find myself drawn to stories that highlight deep, loyal friendships, intellectual companionship, or partnerships where the emotional bond is the anchor of the story, rather than standard Hollywood romance. - Anything else you want readers to know?
Just that it is never too late to discover who you are. Finding the words for my identity in my 50s didn’t change me; it just gave me the map to understand the landscape I’d been walking my whole life. If you’re in a spiritual or personal desert right now, have patience with yourself. The wanderings are part of the journey. - Where can they follow your work online?
I keep a fairly quiet profile online these days, but I keep a private Instagram account I update frequently, and you can occasionally find my spiritual ponderings on my Substack. All my links are here: https://linktr.ee/pcwillis.
Invisible Cake Society 