As aromantic- and/or asexual-spectrum Christians and Jesus-adjacent people, it can be hard to believe that we are not alone. There are few examples of us in queer Christian spaces speaking about our experiences, not to mention the broader queer or Christian/faith worlds in general. I want to do my part to change that with this website and connect you with more a-spectrum Christian and Christian-ish people across the internet. This summer, I’m hosting a short Q&A series. This is the last interview for this year. I’ll post a round-up list for easy linking soon!
1. Hi! We’re so glad you’re here. Can you introduce yourself to the Invisible Cake Society with your name, pronouns, any identity labels you feel like sharing?
Hi, my name is Blue Ice-Tea (“Ice” for short). As a genderless woman, I’m never sure how to answer “pronouns” questions; most people in real life use “she/her” for me, but online people often use “they/them”. I’m heterosexual, demisexual, and platoniromantic (which is a subtype of quoiromantic). I sometimes use the labels “cis-genderless” or “gender-detached”, or you could just say I don’t have a gender identity. I’m also a white-passing Canadian of mixed European and (West) Indian ancestry.
2. What do you like to spend your time doing, online or in person, creatively and/or professionally?
As you might guess from my blog, I love movies! I also love books and music, and I’ve dabbled in art and creative writing. Unfortunately, I don’t have as much time as I’d like for any of them. At different times in my life, I’ve been into different things: dancing, choir, TTRPGs, and, of course, blogging. Regardless of what I’m doing, though, I try to prioritise spending time with my friends. Watching movies with my friends is probably my favourite thing to do.
3. When did you hear about aromanticism and asexuality, and when did you realize they described you?
I first heard about asexuality when I was in my early 20s–more than 20 years ago, now! I’d actually used the word “asexual” to describe myself once before that, but I wasn’t sure the label was really accurate. When I discovered the asexual community (specifically, AVEN), I started following and participating in it, but I didn’t feel I truly belonged to it until I discovered the word “demisexual” (about 15 years ago). Now I comfortably describe myself as “demisexual” or “ace”.
I’ve always had a conflicted relationship with the “aromantic” label. I don’t experience feelings I consider “romantic”, but I also wouldn’t say I don’t experience romantic feelings. It’s just that the feelings other people label romantic, I consider platonic! This has caused me a lot of confusion over the years, but eventually I discovered the label “platoniromantic”, which means “not distinguishing between romantic and platonic feelings”, and that fits me very well!
4. What’s your faith background and how would you describe your relationship with religion/spirituality/faith today?
I was raised Presbyterian (a kind of Protestant), and growing up I regularly attended church, Sunday school, and youth group. As an adult, I’ve gone to various kinds of churches, including Methodist, Anglican, and Lutheran. My faith was also shaped by popular media: writers like C. S. Lewis, J. R. R. Tolkien, and G. K. Chesterton, and TV shows like Touched by an Angel and Veggie Tales. I went through a period of questioning in my teens, but I’ve never really drifted away from the faith, and I still go to church every Sunday. I believe in God, and my relationship with him is deeply important to who I am.
5. How has your a-spec identity influenced your personal faith?
I think being ace gave me a lot of unfair advantages growing up. The Christian spaces I grew up in were pretty conservative: no sex before marriage, and marriage was only between one man and one woman. These were not very friendly messages for queer people, and they were hard on a lot of straight people, too. But as an ace person, the rules seemed fairly easy. And–especially before I realised I was ace–I didn’t understand why other people had such problems with them. It was easy to be complacent and judgemental. As an adult, I’ve had to work to overcome that and become a better ally to allos, especially queer ones.
The flip side of that is that I didn’t feel the same discomfort in Christian spaces as a lot of people do. For me, Christian spaces were actually more comfortable than a lot of others, because there was less emphasis on sex. As a result, I stayed in the church at an age when a lot of people drift away. I don’t think that was a very good reason, but I am grateful things worked out that way, because the older I get, the more I feel the need for faith in my life. I hope that, as churches become more welcoming and inclusive places, more people will feel comfortable staying in them.
6. How has your a-spec identity affected your relationship with religious or spiritual communities?
Oops, I guess I covered that already!
7. How has your faith affected your relationship with the a-spec or larger LGBTQIA+ community?
I don’t think it’s affected my relationship with the ace community. But coming from a religious background is part of the reason I didn’t engage much with queer spaces when I was younger.
8. Does your a-spec identity impact your gender identity? Or vice versa?
I’ve heard that ace people seem to be less likely to identify with gender, but I can’t say how those things are related in my own case. I also suspect that genderless allosexuals may be more common than we think. I think more research needs to be done in this area.
9. What should all a-spec Christians know?
For ace Christians who grew up in conservative churches, it can be easy to think we must be doing something right because we don’t face the same sexual temptations as those around us. It’s especially easy when we don’t know that asexuality exists. I would like all ace Christians to know that they are ace, that sexual attraction is real, and that if we don’t understand other people’s sexual urges, that’s not because we’re better or because they’re lying; it’s just because we have different sexual orientations and that doesn’t make us better or worse than anyone else.
10. What do you want the larger affirming LGBTQIA and ally Christian community to know about a-spec Christians?
I don’t know if there is anything specific. Obviously, I want everyone to know that ace and aro Christians are real and valid.
11. At Invisible Cake Society, we highlight experiences that have been erased or seem invisible to those outside of them. What’s your favorite way to show your a-spectrum Pride?
I actually don’t show much Pride! I don’t wear an ace ring, and I have hardly any ace merch. I don’t particularly want most people to know about my aceness. I think ace visibility is very important, though, and so I’ve done what I can to educate others about asexuality. I’ve written for AVENues, I focused on asexuality when I was doing my master’s degree, and I obviously write about it on my blog. I like that long-form writing allows me to get into the details and nuances of asexual experience, which can be hard to do in conversation.
Honestly, the time I feel most “proud”–or maybe just comfortable–being ace is when I’m around friends who accept me and value me in my aceness. By which I mean that they accept and value me as a single person who prioritises platonic relationships, and they don’t expect or pressure me to pursue a romantic or sexual relationship.
12. Do you have a favorite example of a-spec representation (whether explicitly stated or not) in media, books, public figures, theater, etc.? What about them resonated with you?
Luke Skywalker’s sexuality is open to interpretation, but his story has been deeply important to me as an ace person. In the original Star Wars trilogy, he never really has a romantic interest, and a lot of his story is instead driven by his relationship with his friends. When I was a child and adolescent, he was one of the only examples I had of a human adult protagonist who was single and happy. In most other stories, the hero’s “happy ending” was equated with finding a partner, and if they ended up single, then the ending was considered unhappy. But Luke’s story ends with him saving his father and reuniting with Han and Leia, and the fact that they are a couple and he’s single doesn’t seem to bother him at all. I could joke that Luke “turned me ace”, but what I really mean is that he gave me permission to be ace–that is, to imagine myself having a life full of love and meaning even if I didn’t have a romantic partner. And, although I have a lot of complaints about the sequel trilogy, I’m really glad they kept Luke single and continued to focus on his platonic relationships.
For a much more recent example, the film Project Hail Mary really resonated with me, not just because one of the characters could be read as ace, but because the film really seems to validate the celibate, friendship-focused lifestyle in a way few movies do.
13. Anything else you want readers to know?
Don’t think so.
14. Where can they follow your work online?
At my main blog, Ace Film Reviews, or my X-Files blog, The Realm of Asexual Possibility.
Invisible Cake Society 