Archive

essays, faith, queer

Your life is not a hero trial

jennadewitt

And God isn’t interested in creating obstacles for you to earn heaven points.

photo of man walking on rope tree
Photo by Stephanie Ecate on Unsplash

“Everything within me wants [romantic and sexual] love, but as queer Christians, we have to trust that if God is denying us what we desire and making us suffer, then it’s for the best!”

OR perhaps you can trust that not only does God create you with good and holy desires but you weren’t meant to reject them. God is not interested in crafting tests for you so that you can prove you’re worthy. Trust God enough to see the evidence around you that you can call goodness good and not wait around for a secret mystical reveal that you can earn more holiness, prosperity, heavenly treasure, or a bigger payoff through a morality obstacle course divinely designed to trip you up.

The mythology of gods who make games of people’s lives out of boredom or demand tests to prove loyalty and worthiness are not our stories. That’s not Christianity rightly practiced, even if that’s Christianity traditionally practiced. We can stop doing this. The world has enough loneliness and suffering as it is. God has bigger stuff going on than toying with you or creating hero trials.

Collective liberation theology is the antidote to this. You do not have to manufacture pain for yourself. If you are denying healthy, natural, freeing love in favor of imposed suffering, there is nothing of God in that. We have too much to do here to be distracted by “how far is too far” rules.

God does not create you with an orientation or gender you are supposed to spend all your time, energy, resources, etc. changing or suppressing or creating elaborate rules for. Our time, energy, resources, and more are so precious and limited. Just be who you are and get to work for justice and good. The needs and crises around us are too great.

We have far too much pain in the world already that we are the God-given answer to. We are the solution, not burdened with creating more fake problems. When we’re busy over here debating whose romantic and sexual relationships are valid or who gets to be their gender, we can’t fulfill our calling.

I don’t understand those seeing hunger, loneliness, homelessness, fear, addiction, despair, prejudice, injustice, and more and then going, “You know what we need? MORE of this! God must have a plan to redeem it if we just trust and obey gender roles! That’s where our money and energy and time should go! More sex rules, exclusion, and rigid gender boxes!”

Collective liberation means affirming theology isn’t about “selfishness,” etc. It’s about getting all of this legalistic shit out of the way so we can be free to focus on the real work. Let people live, love, transition, marry, and be how they were made. The real stuff is too urgent.

If your “values” and “beliefs” are about creating gender-based rules and sexual morality codes and labeling it a “calling” to suffer through for the sake of holiness than creating more peace, hope, joy, and love in the world, change your values and reset your priorities. We have too many actual, practical problems we must act on. We can’t waste our lives policing our thoughts and behaviors and relationships to keep them from trying to align in integrity with our God-given identities. Not to mention other people’s relationships and bodies that don’t affect us! Every minute spent on trying to adhere to a norm we can never fit and creating more suffering to be one day rewarded for our heroic self-denial is a minute that could have been spent on alleviating the actual suffering in the world, including our own very real problems and the fallout of others’ queerphobia.

Biblical celibacy is part of biblical sexuality: It isn’t about which genders get married or have sex. Biblical celibacy and biblical sexuality are when you aren’t distracted from the real calling of loving others by rule-following, drama, angst, self-imposed or church-imposed misery, loneliness, temptation-resisting tests, and all the other manufactured fears and obstacles. These keep us focused on ourselves and our own purity so that we never get to the part where we get free, where we dismantle injustice, where we oppose and defeat patriarchy, White supremacy, queerphobia, ableism, systemic poverty, xenophobia, and all other evils.

You have to do what is more effective and efficient for the real work of bringing justice and flourishing, on earth as it is in heaven. Be celibate if that’s what is freeing you to do the work in authenticity, in wholeness, without distraction (like it is for me!). Have sex if that’s what frees you to do the work in authenticity, in wholeness, without distraction. Living your values should empower you to do justice and love mercy, not burden you with morality hand-wringing and pearl-clutching. Follow the fruit of the Spirit in your life toward liberation for all. That will have you focused more on bringing love, hope, and flourishing to the world than looking at your own behaviors and purity performance to pass a vague and cruel divine test.

Our God is not abusive or cruel or bored or dangling a carrot while hitting us with a stick. God is not a drill sergeant or a prosperity promiser or a manipulator or a lab rat maze designer or a puppet master. God doesn’t work like a capitalist or a merit badge system or a game show host or a trickster con man.

God IS Love. That love is demonstrated, unashamed, and unearned. It is not deception or a hustle or a scheme. It doesn’t create problems for the sake of a trust exercise or set contradictory expectations to raise life’s difficulty level. Love doesn’t hide at the finish line after a lifetime of gold stars and perfect grades and queerness-control performance reviews. Ours is the God of vibrant life, of integrity and of constancy, a God of Creation and joy, of overflowing goodness and hope and peace, a God of gentleness and patience, of faithfulness and kindness, of the self-control that comes with empathy and generosity. The truth sets us free, and with that freedom, we can tear down obstacles like holy hustle tests, purity culture, gender roles, unnecessary distractions, and systems of oppression. With collective liberation, we can focus on spreading love and flourishing throughout all the world.

allyship, essays

Look to the Helpers

jennadewitt
man in blue crew neck t-shirt standing beside brown cardboard boxes

Photo by Ismael Paramo on Unsplash

I often see people saying “Look for the helpers is for kids, you’re the adult, YOU’RE the helper!” a lot, but Mr. Rogers wouldn’t have said kids can’t help, and he definitely wouldn’t have said adults should “just do it” instead of looking around for people who are already doing the work, learning from them and following their lead, and then joining in with where their abilities meet the actual needs and requests of those they are helping. The work is already being done, and we can’t just “be the helper” without understanding it and our place in it.

You are not too young to be a helper. And you are not too old to need help, to defeat despair with hope, and to join in the work already in motion. Remember it’s about when we are shocked by tragedy and overwhelmed by suffering. It’s about what you do when you’re staring down images of death and disaster, and then it’s about where to look next. You see the debris on TV. You see the virus totals. You see the crying kids. But then… you see the firefighters, doctors, nurses, volunteers, etc. Ah. There.

It’s still Giving Tuesday as I’m writing this, and maybe you can be a helper in a recurring or one-time donation. Maybe you don’t have money but you have a few hours to spare, if you bring the kids along with you. Maybe you don’t have time or money, but you have a social media following to inform others, a place of influence in policy, an organization you lead, a church or club you can rally, a professional skill you can use pro bono, a boat or a car or a business to run aid and relief efforts from.

Whether you’re defending human rights by filing suits and explaining contracts, or book-keeping for a nonprofit, or paying a construction crew out of your own pocket to rebuild the community center after a big storm, there’s a way to help. You can be an 8-year-old shopping for an Angel Tree gift or a 90-year-old knitting blankets for foster babies or a 60-year-old making phone calls and grocery runs for a disabled neighbor. You can look, LEARN from the helpers, and go do it too.

But please, I say this delicately, do not jump in like a missionary, hero-complex White savior and try to just “help” without looking to the helpers first. No one needs the worn-out-snow-coats sent to Haiti after the earthquake incident ever again. No one wants your broken appliance as a “donation” they have to be grateful for. Nonprofits can’t spend all their time making you feel needed. No finding youth pastors a house in a Latin American country for teens to paint over and over each summer as a mission trip or service project. Remember when the hospitals asked us to stop hand-making masks and dropping them off at the start of COVID because they aren’t adequate medical PPE and weren’t safe/sterile/tested, and well-intentioned crafters bringing them in might be carrying the virus?

Looking to the helpers was Mr. Rogers’ way of redirecting attention from despair to hope, from overwhelm and panic into action and progress. But it’s also just exactly what a wise, veteran minister or leader would say after seeing so much suffering to shepherd people through. Who’s already doing the work? Who already has systems and strategies and coalitions and networks? Who is asking and what are they asking for? How can I help and serve, not how can I make myself feel like a hero? Look and ask and follow before leaping into “helping.”

Fred Rogers was a Presbyterian, but in a moment of ecumenism he might have appreciated, I’ll add an Extremely Methodist Take for you.

You’ll often hear me say “Stop trying to ~manifest~ a miracle to save the world. You are the miracle!” I’m a social gospel Methodist always asking people to get up from begging for supernatural shows of power and divine interventions to BE the body of Christ in the world. It’s us! We’re the answer God has provided to the problem of pain! We are the divine intervention. But know that it is always with this context: root yourself in the Wesleyan quadrilateral first. “Tradition” aka, learn from the past and from those around you who’ve been doing it. Reason, aka, does it make sense in facts and data, is it actually what anyone needs or wants or is asking for? And the experience of the Spirit within you will remind you how far you’ve come and what’s been impossible made possible before you, and They will lead you forward, even when the odds seem against you and hope is scarce and the problem is too big for you or your group alone. We trust the Spirit of Love, higher than us, to work to bring us all together so each person or group’s contribution matters in a bigger picture we can’t see from here.

Look to the helpers in humility when you need help, in example when you need an education, and in leadership when you are ready to serve and join in to be a helper yourself, in any age, ability, skills, gift, contribution, or capacity you can bring to the work of collective liberation.

disability, faith, Mental health, neurodivergence, resources

Progressive Christianity and neurodivergence

jennadewitt

Justin, Ell, and I hosted a gathering for neurodivergent progressive Christians for Disability Pride Month 2025. Though this year’s event was not specifically for asexual and aromantic people, there is significant overlap with these communities, which was reflected in this discussion. (See our previous conversations about the a-spec Christian intersection here.)  

Discussion questions:

  1. How has your neurodivergence affected your experience of Christianity? 
  1. How has your faith affected your experience of being neurodivergent?
  1. How have you been supported by your community?
  1. What challenges have you encountered in your communities?
  1. How can the Christian community as a whole better support and uplift neurodivergent people? What can Christianity learn from neurodivergent people and their lived experience?
  1. What encouragement/words of affirmation can you share with other neurodivergent Christians?
  2. What spiritual practices, resources or supports have helped you with your neurodivergence and faith?

allyship, essays

If it’s not for all of us, I don’t want it

jennadewitt

Collective liberation is not found in violent revenge and dreams of becoming oppressors. Collective liberation is not about demanding fealty and enemies bowing at your feet. Collective liberation is refusing to accept such and rejection of oppressive systems.

It is an invitation with an expectation: No dehumanization allowed. It does ask something of us, a dress code of sorts, that we bring love, real love, to the party. We come with the understanding and shared value that no one is an acceptable casualty of liberation.

Civil rights march on Washington, D.C
Photo by Library of Congress on Unsplash

Sometimes we must remember the long road. We must take the closest imperfect bus to our destination when it doesn’t go all the way and march our way down the road, generation after generation. Passing along what we have gained and refusing to go back.

Collective liberation doesn’t see my freedom as your continued harm. If you are freed, I cannot be your new target to get the acceptance of oppressors. Exclusion is the thing we exclude. Vitally, we do have one thing we must agree on, that we are tyrants for: No more tyrants.

a group of people walking down a street holding a banner that says Equality without exemptions
Photo by Nikolas Gannon on Unsplash

From Cone to Kendi, from Stonewall to Sherronda J. Brown and Judith Butler and my friends on social media, from the earliest church to the women of modern books, Substacks, podcasts still resisting a patriarchal faith, we learn the only liberation worth having is collective.

If our gospel leads to death for some, it isn’t the Words of Life for any. If our work is only legitimized by those we leave out of it, it isn’t the work of Christ. We start imperfectly and evolve continually to be better. If we uphold the harm, we cannot liberate from it.

Signs saying Boys will be held accountable
Photo by Michelle Ding on Unsplash

Mental health, Poetry

Fury of the righteous

jennadewitt

You’re right, of course.
We should be raging.

Every minute of every day
That a person goes hungry
That a hospital is bombed
That slavery is and has been

That the planet is burning
With hate and fear and pride
But mostly as a sacrifice
To the ravenous god Mammon
Who demands a child die
For each dollar it grants the wicked

You’re totally right.
We should be unable to breathe
To sleep, to have peace
Until each war is ended forever

Until violence is mutinied
And bullets no longer rain
on the schools and churches
And cities and countries

Until all are free from the demons
In the legislature
and in their minds
In the pulpit
and in their homes

You’re right. We are complicit.
You’re right.

We live in abundance
while others starve
And freeze and lie ill
or scream of anguish
On our very streets

We pass by and we scroll on
We can’t take another headline
We ask in despair if anything matters
And wonder that anyone has survived this long

This cruel planet,
and its stupid inhabitants
Destroying it as fast as possible
In our worship to our golden god

You’re right.
It should make us boil in rage.
You’re right.
We have no excuse to stay silent.

And our bodies are also right.
We cannot take constant grief and rage.
We are not built for this 24/7 world.
We need rest and hope and humor

We need to hold so much in our hearts
Not just the anger fire
But the still waters
Not just the injustice
But praise of the good

The birds of the air
And the palm trees that line my street
Know something I don’t
And they don’t know what I know

So I learn from their wisdom
And ground myself to the earth
That will be here long after we die
Welcoming us back to the dirt

I can feel and do and be
And speak from
My full self
Unashamed

Unwavering in righteous anger
Rooted in peace within
Committed to what is mine to do
Rejoicing with those who rejoice
Taking pleasure in the ephemeral and savoring transcendence

Holding in tension
Multidimensional
Loving and raging and
fighting and calming
Hosting and giving
And resting and creating

So that my body,
mind and heart
Survive long enough
to turn my grief
Into a legacy.

There has yet to be
peace on the Earth
But don’t stop seeking
Until it’s born.

asexuality, essays

Answering questions about asexuality

jennadewitt

Aphobia is often rooted in intentional ignorance but contains actual legitimate questions non-hateful people have, but are now afraid to ask after seeing the responses to the aphobic person, which defeats the goal of educating. It’s time to address some of these questions in a safe and open place: here in the Invisible Cake Society!

First: We can generally tell the difference between questions asked respectfully and humbly and questions asked to bully, sea lion, and troll. We’re not perfect, and tone on the Internet is hard, especially when emotionally activated, but be encouraged that educators/activists want you to learn!

Now, let’s get going:

I’m into girls, but I’m also on the aromantic spectrum and asexual. What does that even mean? How can I be all of those!? Well, queerness is a big wibbly wobbly blob of grey areas, not neat boxes. Getting free of boxes is the point. Labels help us connect and communicate. They help us feel less alone, find resources, and form community to work on shared goals and experience belonging in a world that seeks to erase us.

We hear about sexual orientation, but there are others, usually but not always aligned. Romance, platonic, aesthetic, etc.

Also frequency: never, rare, average, or only in specific circumstances.

List of ace spectrum identities
List of ace spectrum identities

So if you rarely experience attraction to girls not boys, and that attraction is mostly nonsexual…

You may be sapphic asexual or ace lesbian, and possibly somewhere on the aromantic spectrum as well.

We then have favorability, indifference, aversion, and repulsion to specific behaviors.

This is different than sex positivity, neutrality, and negativity that are about attitudes toward sex in society.

Chart comparing various attitudes and preferences
Chart comparing various attitudes and preferences

Also generalized desire: you may want to experience kissing but not have a specific person or gender you’re particularly drawn to.

And biological libido/hormones.

All different independent but related things.

Attraction is a word we use with magnets. A fridge door is magnetic even when empty, but if you hold a magnet close, it will react with attraction. Aka, a gay person is still gay even when single or “not getting laid.” Same for straight or bi or pan, etc.

And vice versa, an asexual person is still ace even if they have a sexual partner. That person could be the rare exception of sexual attraction, or someone they love in other ways, or just a fun partner to have a good time with. That’s their business, not yours. Regardless, they are still ace.

We know people can still be straight (and we not only assume it but strictly enforce it as normal) even if they haven’t had sex or dated. But there’s a pressure to prove we aren’t broken or defective so we conform to the norm of romance and sex.

This is broadly called amatonormativity (amato, as in amorous, + normative). Amatonormativity means: the assumption that all people aspire to or have a romantic and sexual relationship at the center of their lives. It is the measure of not only whether you’re similar to others, but your desirability and attractiveness aesthetically and platonically, your success and maturity as an adult, and your character to be a good employee or leader.

“Virginity” is a conservative purity culture term that both honors the purity of a young person (let’s be real, teen girls) and is used as a barb to insult anyone past that “expiration date.”

This is true regardless of your thoughts on abstinence, which is waiting for marriage to have sex. Conservatives and self-proclaimed radical feminists and mainstream culture agree that people without a romantic and sexual relationship by an arbitrary age are societal rejects, undesirable, or sick.

The only part that differs is whether that relationship must be a marriage. Whether it is a hookup buddy or a covenant life partner in the eyes of God, society generally agrees not having one is enough to get you pity and “just get laid” or “needs a girlfriend/boyfriend” comments.

Say you have never or, worse, don’t want, such a relationship, and they lose their minds. How!? Isn’t a romantic and sexual partner a requirement for maturity, health, success, and personal survival??? No, it isn’t.

That’s why while everyone should have the legal right to have romance and sex with any gender, sex and romance are not a “right” you can demand from others. The gender of your partner(s) should not be constrained by law AND ALSO you are not entitled to that relationship from another gender or individual.

This is the consistency of consent. It goes both ways: There is no sexual or romantic liberation without the choice to refuse romance and/or sex. If we’re only fighting for the right to choose the gender of our partner but otherwise chained to the same stigma and shame, that’s not liberation.

If we’re only fighting for the right to choose the gender of our partner but otherwise chained to the same stigma and shame, that’s not liberation.

And yes, I don’t just mean stigma and shame over having had sex or romance but also over NOT having had it or not desiring it.

This liberation benefits not only aro and ace people who are less likely to have partners but EVERYONE who is single, whether by choice or not, divorced or widowed, etc.

In case you haven’t read stats on that lately, that’s roughly half the population. And many of those singles aren’t actively looking for a partner, whether they were partnered before or not.

  • So are asexual people “just straight”? No. Some may have hetero attractions, some have gay or bi or pan to describe their attractions, and some are just aro ace with no attractions. And some are a combination. Remember, people are a wibbly wobbly mush.
  • Is orientation about how much, or the type, or the quality of sex we’ve had or not had? Nope. Attraction and behavior are independent topics. Related, yes. Entirely the same? Not at all.
  • Like magnets, you can change the shortcut terms you use to describe yourself at any time. Maybe in your 20s you were positive that you were a straight, female, sporty, extroverted premed student. Maybe in your 40s now, you are a bi, nonbinary, bookish, ambivert therapist. Labels change! Growth!

Learn more here

asexuality, essays, faith

Asexuality and the gospel of liberation

jennadewitt

It makes sense why queer Christian theology is often heavily sexually centered, given our history, but the best queer theologians balance it with ace inclusion. Not just as a footnote, but as a core goal. The point is ending amatonormativity and gaining collective liberation, which takes all of us—of every gender, orientation, relationship style, race, ability, culture, and more. Rightfully practiced, Christianity—with the words of Jesus at the center—drives us forward to this goal.

Jesus is as clear of an aromantic asexual Christian role model as we could ever ask for! Embracing found family and breaking gender and class binaries are foundational to his life. There’s just no way to read the gospels and come away with a factual interpretation that centers amatonormativity. That doesn’t stop the global church (now or historically), of course, because institutions and patriarchal power structures are best served by amatonormativity and all that comes with it.

When women are free to earn their own money, when singles are equal to married people, when everyone has the same rights and respect regardless of gender or orientation or relationship status or race or disability, we can liberate ourselves from the oppression that power structures are built on. That’s gospel, as Christlike as it gets, but it’s the exact opposite of what those in power want because it would require true humility, servant leadership, the Beatitudes, sacrifice, and loving others as themselves. It would be for the benefit of all, including themselves, but there’s nothing that scares them more than the risk and exposure of vulnerability.

I truly believe the only way forward is shame resilience, tolerance of vulnerability, finding belonging within, and developing healthy, boundaried empathy that leads to freedom beyond anything gatekeeping or virtue signals or scarcity can achieve. That’s work each of us can do, whether by reading books by Brene Brown, Aundi Kolber, and Matthias Roberts; or doing therapy one on one or as a part of a couple or in a group; or listening to podcasts, lectures, or wise friends and leaders who can guide us there.

When we liberate our minds and hearts, we are free to see others who are unimaginably different than us as a gift to the Body of Christ. We aren’t threatened or defensive because we honor what other identities and perspectives can bring that we can’t.

With the fruit of the Spirit as our guide, we lead from a common goal that all will be free: asexual and allosexual, aromantic and alloromantic, queer and allocishet, and more. Single or partnered, parents and childfree, living alone or with others, sexually celibate or abstinent or solo or partnered or open or any combination. Everyone.

But we can’t get there while asexuality (and aromanticism and our respective spectrums) remain erased and invisible in the church. We are vital to the liberation of Christ. We queer queer theology. We challenge norms in ways that rewriting gender rules alone can’t. We defy expectations and push beyond affirming marriage or ordination or any one label or issue in our unique ways, as all letters do if given proper consideration. But for asexuality, it isn’t as simple as churches might think. We are going to ask more than a flag at Pride or a language change, but a mentality shift that will require surrender of structures and norms and old visions and false realities.

But don’t fear. It’s the surrender of flight, falling into the ways of Jesus and finding ourselves held by the wings of love the whole time. That is, if only we have the courage to listen to asexuals, end amatonormativity, and become something so much better: the family of God.

Ornament on a Christmas tree that says Be Proud of Who You Are
Ornament on a Christmas tree that says Be Proud of Who You Are

essays, queer

What’s one thing every queer Christian/Jesus-adjacent person of faith should do at least once in their lives?

jennadewitt

Perhaps cliche, perhaps meaning more from someone with social anxiety:

Please, at least once, attend a Pride festival. Find one that’s in a mid-size town (mine was Aurora, Illinois, for example!) and bring a friend or acquaintance if you’re nervous. You don’t have to use your legal name to go, you don’t have to be IN the parade, you don’t have to understand or know all the trivia first, you don’t have to drink alcohol or have sex, you don’t even have to know your labels or if you’re queer at all. Go observe, play some street fair games, buy from a local artisan, wear bright colors or rainbows or things that look like your flag if you know what it is.

Selfie of a girl with an asexual heart sticker on a phone case
More subtle Pride selfie

For example, as an asexual girl, I wore black shorts and sandals, a purple and black shirt with a vague feminist Girls Rule the World (ironically from Victoria’s Secret haha), and a white undershirt. You CAN be as bold and bright as you want, but you can also be subtle too. Go at your own pace and comfort level. If you’re up for sloppy buzzed at drag brunch on mimosas and PDA with your visibly queer partner, go for it! If you’re just stopping by anonymously on your way to the store because you “love local culture” and “celebrate community in your city,” hear me when I say that is okay!

The scariest part is the conservative protestors. Stay away from them your first time. Don’t get into Bible battles or argue theology. Ignore, walk around, cross the street, pick a spot far from them where the music drowns out their hate, strike up conversations with people standing around unoccupied near you, especially if they have kids or are new to this too or look like they know what they are doing and are just chilling. This may require some small talk, so if that’s emotionally draining for you, don’t stress about it. Just know if you need to to feel safe or if you have a question, everyone NOT shouting is pretty friendly.

If a parade is too much, look at the schedule and just attend the markets and shows so you can leave at any time. Mind the temperature and dress accordingly (including sunscreen and WATER water water). But don’t be afraid to go. It’s just rainbow Fourth of July (or insert local parade holiday here) in small and mid-size cities.

A girl in Pride gear
Me after Pride now haha

Even better is asking your affirming organization/hobby group/small business/sports team/school committee/club/church to host a booth (get connected to the festival organizers and then pass along what they say to your own leaders to have a finance/planning/outreach/service committee meeting about it NOW and don’t wait until the week before in May or June). You can use the booth to hand out water, stickers, magnets, flyers with your clear affirming stance and info to get connected, etc. Or you can join the Human Rights Campaign, Free Mom/Dad Hugs, PFLAG, or another similar organization always looking for volunteers. Leave time to walk around and enjoy Pride yourself too.

But even if you are an introvert’s introvert, or a socially anxious neurodivergent of any energy personality type, at least once when geographically possible, go be with our people in all your rainbow glory. It may take more than once to feel comfortable there. That’s okay. Just go and be in the same physical space and feel less isolated and despairing as you marinate in the joy and community and connection. Even if you don’t make a new friend or join a new group or sing karaoke or have a party bone in your body. Bring home a sticker or ribbon or locally crafted item or something, just to remind yourself every day that you were there and it is real still, in every queer and allied heart around you.

allyship, aromanticism, asexuality, queer, resources

The Queer Identities Flowchart

jennadewitt
  • LGBTQIA overview
  • L G B and Q
  • A spectrum
  • Gender spectrum
  • Intersex and plus

I’m hoping this flowchart can help everyone understand that the letters aren’t just a jumble of alphabet soup, but there is an organized system behind each one. It’s easier to see if you click the arrows to navigate through each slide, focusing on a specific section. These concepts are pretty much a multiple-choice test.

Orientation options include:

  • Attracted to the other binary gender
  • Attracted to my gender
  • Gender isn’t a factor
  • Attracted to multiple genders
  • Don’t know/don’t need to specify
  • Rarely or in certain situations
  • Just sexual
  • Just romantic
  • None of the above

Gender options include:

  • Same as the one everyone expected when I was born (“assigned at birth”)
  • No gender
  • Fluid or more than one gender or a gender not in the binary
  • The other binary gender of the one everyone expected when I was born

Intersex identities and other variations of queerness are also included.

Open these in a new tab or zoom in to explore!

LGBTQIA overview
A spectrum
Gender spectrum
Intersex and plus

Hope these are helpful! This is meant to be the start of the conversation, not the end point. Explore more in-depth and specific identities here: https://lgbtqia.wiki/wiki/LGBTQIA%2B_Wiki:FAQ

pop culture, resources, the society

Simplify BlueSky: Tips and Tricks for an Easy Migration

jennadewitt

Many of us represented here in the Invisible Cake Society—a feminist, queer/ally, often asexual/aromantic, progressive Christian, neurodivergence, mental illness, and disability site—have found ourselves curious about BlueSky. Whether you’re migrating from Twitter (“X”) or a Meta platform (FB, Insta, Threads), or simply want to see what the hype is about, this guide can walk you through the basics.

BlueSky’s culture, purpose, and design combine an older model of social media and the forefront of a new liberated era: It actually shows you what you signed up to see. Imagine that. Groundbreaking.No ads, no gaming the algorithm, no being spoon-fed whatever the app wants you to see while posts from friends are suppressed, and no disappointment when you see a post about an “upcoming” event show up on your feed for the first time, only to discover that the event happened several days ago. It’s real time here and you have much more control over seeing what you want to than on any other app. More on that later.

I’ve tried to make this as basic and easy as possible, but if you’re really just looking for the bare bones top 10 tips, go here: https://bsky.app/profile/joabaldwin.com/post/3lc4nlhpjds2y

BlueSky works on something called the fediverse. All you need to know right now about that is user handles are longer here and vary, but most end in .social. It’s like .com or .org, sort of. If you want to know more, there are plenty of good explainers out there, but you’re reading my simple start guide so you probably don’t need to care at the moment. Let’s go!

Before we begin, open the homepage, Bsky.app on a desktop browser. Most of this is easier on a desktop browser. A desktop browser is required for step 4’s browser extension. At this time, no app version or mobile browser version of this extension exists.

Also: If any of this changes or is wrong, please let me know and I will edit this guide!

Create an account and personalize your profile

  1. Pick a username (handle), upload a photo and banner, write a bio/description in the text box of how people might know you and what you post about, etc etc… you know the drill.
    1. I’d highly recommend, if you need to be recognizable, whether as an activist, leader, internet educator, a brand, or business (including writer or freelancer), go professional: real name or brand name, good portrait photo of your face or good-quality logo, website link, and a description that matches other social media and your website and clearly states what you do that might help people recognize you from elsewhere or find you for the first time and want to follow.

    1. If you have an established internet pen name and want to continue to post under that, use that as your username and try to keep your photo, banner, and/or description similar to the platforms you’ve been using already, at least at first.
    1. If you want to stay anonymous and create a new name/personal brand here, this is a great time to do it, but stay aware that everything on BlueSky (at least at this time) is public. There are no private accounts (yet?).
  2. Explore the settings for each part of the site.
    1. The gear button on the left sidebar on desktop only takes you to some of the settings (https://bsky.app/settings), but you can change your profile appearance, who can send you direct messages, how and which of your feeds (the tabs on the top of the home page) display, etc. by clicking each respective icons in that left side bar and then a button at the top right.

    1. Don’t get distracted by each empty section of the site so far or terms you don’t know yet. We’ll come back to this.

    1. First, take some time to open each section of the Settings and set the things you know you want/need, like privacy, nsfw settings, muted words, font size, default language, etc.
    1. You can also read the official BlueSky FAQs to get a quick overview of what terms mean, who can see what, and links to download the mobile app. Again, if you don’t know what something is yet, don’t worry about it. There’s a broad range of users on this app, from complete beginners to the expert internet-coding pioneers shaping the future, so treat it like a group exercise class and go at your own pace while letting the elite Pilates/yogi/Zumba athletes go at theirs.

Post and find posts

  1. Before you follow anyone, post something so people know it’s the real you. Link to your site, do an intro post with facts about you, copy and paste your most timeless and relevant post from elsewhere, or simply start posting you usual content here instead of/in addition to other social media apps. Post whatever first impression you want to give so people know immediately who you are and what vibe you’re going for here.
  2. Now, add some feeds (tabs on the top of the home screen) besides the default. Feeds are automated tools, not hand-curated lists (those are up next). They might be automatically customized for your account specifically or populate based on a hashtag, emoji, keyword, or other trigger. Some allow anyone to add a post by using the hashtag or emoji, while some require being added by the creator as a contributor. Look through the following linked post for any that appeal to you (the Mutuals one is my favorite—only posts from people I’m following who are also following me). Once you’re on the feed’s page, pin it to the Home page so you don’t have to save the URL somewhere. (Though you could! You do you.) https://bsky.app/profile/erinbiba.bsky.social/post/3lbxbqv65722h
    1. Find more! https://bsky.app/feeds, accessed by clicking the # button on the left side bar, not only allows you to view feeds (and lists saved as feeds) you have pinned but also search for more and see popular suggestions.
  3. Next, create some lists of accounts you will want to see.
    1. You can save these as if they are feeds (tabs on the top of the home screen). This allows you to organize accounts into topics or to keep your default feed to just the people you follow, who you really want to see first thing when you open the app. Using lists, you don’t have to follow accounts that you don’t want in your default feed but do still want to have readily accessible. This allows you intentional organization and sanity-preserving separation from, for example, news and politics. And vice versa, if you need a break, you can create a list of accounts that make you happy or calm and only scroll through that without having to see everything else. How to create a list:
      1. In the left sidebar, click the Lists button (looks like a bullet list). In the top right corner, click + New. Add a photo, name, and description so people know what it’s a list of. Reminder that almost everything on BlueSky is public, so anyone will be able to see this, not just you or people you add. Add members by searching. Pin to Home. Share by clicking the options (…)button.

    1. You can also pin other people’s lists. You’re welcome to pin any of mine to your home screen or pick and choose from them who you’d like on your own lists. Lists I’ve made: https://bsky.app/profile/jennadewitt.bsky.social/post/3lbvvcldrwc2o

    1. Here are lists and feeds that I did not make but that I enjoy having quick access to without these posts all being mixed in together: https://bsky.app/profile/jennadewitt.bsky.social/post/3lfxqlosaic2s

    1. The obvious advantage of using other people’s lists is that you do not have to do any work. The downside is you cannot edit them, no matter how much you want to add someone to or remove someone from showing up there. If you think you’ll want to add others not already on the list, or if someone on the list is going to make BlueSky a negative place for you, create your own list for that thing.
  4. Now, you need to follow some people for your home feed. You could search for them one by one, or click friends’ links as they post them on other sites, but the best way to get started is to run the Sky Follower Bridge extension: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:l3nkrpivwuvwuqduk3illkvf .
    1. Make sure you are using the official one and do not get duped by a scam site. The real one is free. (Though thank-you donations to the one developer maintaining it in his free time are appreciated, it will not require anything like that to use it).

    1. I’ve had the best luck using the Chrome browser extension. Firefox (and my dozens of other extensions there) did not play well with it at the time. Your experience may vary, but I recommend Chrome first and then if that doesn’t work, try another browser you have the least number of other extensions installed on.

    1. Use it on Twitter, Threads, Instagram, and TikTok by opening your Following page on each. Do not run it on multiple sites at a time.

    1. Follow the instructions at the Sky Follower Bridge site: https://www.sky-follower-bridge.dev . Give it plenty of time to run. This part of the process is not quick but well worth it. You may also need to re-run it if it’s been stuck on the same number for a long while (in my experience, it tends to hit the other social media site’s rate limit as it gets into the 200s). Maybe walk away from the computer while it’s running so it can have the computer’s full attention for an hour or so. I follow several hundred people on most platforms, so yours may work the first time or you may not need to wait long at all. Some of us have been collecting social media users like Pokémon for nearly 20 years.

    1. Now that that’s done, click the button to review the results. Do not use the Follow All button. I’d recommend looking through them one by one to make sure the match is right. Not everyone has followed step 1’s substeps, so you may get false matches (especially for very common names. The JSmith123 on the BlueSky may not be same person as your friend who was JSmith123 on your previous social media app.) It also often matches a celebrity’s real account on Twitter/Instagram/Threads with a fan account on BlueSky because the fans are faster to adopt new platforms and claim their usernames than celebrities or brands are.  
      1. (On the other hand, there were some incorrect matches on mine, with just coincidentally the same name/handle as someone I followed elsewhere, who actually also sounded like very cool people so I ended up following them as well, despite knowing that they weren’t the person Sky Follower Bridge intended to match. 😊 )
    1. The next step is to either:
      1. Click the button in Sky Follower Bridge to follow them.
      1. Right-click and open the BlueSky profile in a new tab to check it out first or to add it to one of the lists you’ve created.
  5. Another way to mass follow a lot of people at once is to search for Starter Packs:
    1. These group people by what they have in common, like feeds and posts, but are just for following. For example, here are some starter packs for aromanticism and asexuality: https://bsky.app/profile/jennadewitt.bsky.social/post/3lbljbmsh3k2v
    1. You can also convert a Starter Pack to a list with this tool: https://nws-bot.us/bskyStarterPack.php
      1. For example, if you want a list of a bunch of news outlets and political opinions, but don’t want to get caught in the doomscrolling, you can use this starter pack and then make it a list with the tool above. https://bsky.app/starter-pack-short/U9juDW4
  6. You can then also use this tool to find people who are popular with the people you already follow: https://bsky-follow-finder.theo.io/

Get settled in at Home

  1. Now you can go back to the Home page and see what it looks like to open this app day to day.
  2. The default Following feed is reverse-chronological, meaning you see life as it happens, newest posts first.
  3. If you organized your lists too heavily and find yourself missing the randomness, you can set the Following feed to insert posts from your lists every so often: https://bsky.app/profile/pwnallthethings.bsky.social/post/3lbicklxsjs27
  4. A chronological default means posting is different here.
    1. Not only should you carefully decide who you’re following (aka spending your time with and setting the tone as soon as you open the app) but also keep this in mind about reposting your own content that you want people in various time zones and life schedules to see. Someone who only gets on during their morning commute may miss your posts in the evening if you’re not reposting it the next morning too.

    1. Don’t judge a lack of engagement here with failing the algorithm or disinterest. You just need to remember the old-school rules: shameless “self-promo” is necessary to hit that window when the majority of your mutuals (people who follow you and you follow them) are scrolling through the app. It’s not really “promo” to repost once or twice at different times; it’s just giving people what they followed you to see.

    1. You can automate this (and crosspost to multiple platforms while you’re at it) through tools like Buffer if this sounds like too much work.

    1. Or you can just post when you feel like it and your people who are meant to find you can find you, whether through other users sharing your posts or recommending you, from you following them, from a list you’re on, from hashtags or search terms you’ve used, or on their Discover tab. Yes, there IS an algorithm so you can still find new content and be discovered by others, but it’s an optional function, not the core of the app.

    1. Don’t be spammy: adding unrelated hashtags or @ mentioning people, only posting your own work and not interacting with others’, selling things, private (direct) messaging someone unsolicited without stating why you’re saying hello to them specifically, posting links with no other text or content, etc.  Again, it’s about who you know here, not gaming a computer algorithm. Be human, for humans.
    1. Use alt text for visual content: Accessibility, in particular alt text, is a big part of the culture here. Use this setting to make sure you are always posting alt text descriptions. Whether for vision-impaired users, when the internet is not loading images, or anything else, alt text is a good way to make sure everyone can understand the visual elements of your post, like photos, GIFs, and videos. https://bsky.app/settings/accessibility
      1. More on why: https://bsky.app/profile/dremenec.com/post/3l7m5k5yfbk2a

More things you can do here

  1. Direct message your friends (one by one for now, but group DMs are coming eventually): https://bsky.social/about/blog/05-22-2024-direct-messages
  2. Create a poll: https://poll.blue/post
  3. Search! The official guide to finding what you want to find: https://bsky.social/about/blog/05-31-2024-search
  4. Labels can help you find what you like more quickly or hide certain posts or accounts. Or just have fun! Try some here: https://www.bluesky-labelers.io/
  5. Blocking and blocklists:
    • Blocking is more meaningful here than elsewhere as far as interaction goes, and they won’t be able to see your posts while logged into that account, but remember there are no private accounts here. Blocked accounts cannot see your profile while in the app, reply in your threads, mention you, or otherwise interact with you. And vice versa.

    • It seems counterintuitive but one way to mass block a bunch of accounts is by “subscribing” to a list.
      • This is one example: https://bsky.app/profile/skywatch.blue/lists/3l53cjwlt4o2s. The problem of course is false positives, which mean they may blocking anyone with the keywords in their username, description, and/or handle, so an account that is anti-Trump, for example, might be accidentally picked up by it if they are using the keywords like “Trump” in their main profile identity. Or an account that regularly critiques an organization might be accidentally added to a list of that organization’s fans. As an account yourself, this is why it’s smart not to define yourself by what you’re against, but also as a follower, this is why it’s smart to be picky about which blocklists you subscribe to (which will mass block everyone on them at once).  


  • Find out which lists you’re on: If you would like to find out which lists you’d been added to (for better or worse), type your handle into https://clearsky.app/.
    • Major caution here: On ClearSky, you can see not only who you’ve blocked but also who has blocked you, and sometimes the lists are not very nice (or accurate). No need to be offended at the results here, should you choose to view them. Just be amused and let people be wrong about you—or right about you and just not their cup of tea. You can’t please everyone. I’m grateful for those who have blocked me instead of trying to fight me on things that are often fundamental disagreements, simply who I am as person, or just a difference of opinion or preference. And someone’s choice to add you to a list might tell you something about them that leads you to block them first. Don’t use this knowledge to start drama, but besides that, it’s up to you if or how you handle this information.

    • On the plus side, once you get reconnect with all of your friends from everywhere else online, you’ll probably feel warm fuzzy feelings from being on their lists. ❤
    • ClearSky doesn’t ask for a password, so you can also see all of this information for other people too. Reminder that BlueSky is very public. The names of your lists, who is on them, who you’ve blocked, who has blocked you, your posts and replies activity history… everything is on display here for anyone who wants to see it.  
  • Moving forward, you can subscribe to either Listifications or Listifications Without Blocks to get a DM when someone adds you to a list, feed, or starter pack, and, optionally, when someone blocks you. For the reasons stated above, I’d recommend using self-awareness and discernment before using either of these, but especially the been-blocked-notifying one.
  • Bookmarking: This is odd, not gonna lie. Bookmarking isn’t a built-in feature, so users have created workarounds:
  • Copy a link to your profile: On your profile page, click the button that looks like an up arrow in a box. You can add yourself to one of your own lists or copy a link to your profile to share easily with others. Paste this link on your website or on other social media, wherever you have friends who want to find and follow your BlueSky account.  
  • Embed a post in your website: https://bsky.social/about/blog/post-embeds-guide
  • Turn the Twitter share button on other websites into a BlueSky button, functionally: https://share.notx.blue/
  • RSS, HTML, SMS, oh my! More tools featured on BlueSky’s official documentation page to help you, including tools to connect to GitHub, post via text message, crosspost to other apps, and import all your old tweets or Instagram posts: https://docs.bsky.app/showcase?tags=bridge

Long-term survival

  1. Do NOT feed the trolls. They might be bots anyway. https://bsky.app/profile/ketanjoshi.co/post/3lgbcabojgs2n
  2. How to stay informed about the news and stay sane: https://bsky.app/profile/jennadewitt.bsky.social/post/3lgc7gjsyvk2j
  3. Now that you’ve been here a little longer, you can always go back to your Settings page and add more muted words: https://bsky.app/profile/ianbetteridge.com/post/3lgabob5wdc2f

Now what

More tools and tricks

  1. Go further! Okay so you’re set up and now you are ready to really see what else you can do. Here are plentiful toy boxes on ways to have fun, customize your experience, track metrics, convert a starter pack to a list, find more people to follow, discover what’s trending, draft and schedule posts, use a different (third-party) interface if you’re not vibing with the built-in one, and much more:
    1. Awesome BlueSky: https://github.com/fishttp/awesome-bluesky

    1. Bsky Index: https://github.com/scrub-dev/bsky-index/

    1. Best BlueSky Apps: https://bestblueskyapps.com/

    1. BlueSky Stash: https://blueskystash.com

    1. Bsky Info: https://www.bskyinfo.com/tools/

2. Connect to the fediverse/Mastadon: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:xbifsywyv5pka5jlknhv5yv3

Why am I not getting the interaction I am used to? You are likely to get more engagement if you:

  1. Had a following on Twitter (and your followers used Sky Follower Bridge to just port who they were following over automatically).
  2. Know people who are active here.
  3. Interact with other people’s posts regularly and consistently.
  4. Use hashtags and request to be on lists and starter packs in your area of expertise.
  5. Link to your profile here on other platforms.
  6. Post at various times.
  7. Be the change! Make lists, search for and post about research and resources that are helpful, learn the tips and tricks that other people need to know (whether about this app or anything in life).
  8. Similarly, you must share things you like in order for others to see them. “Liking” something doesn’t inject it into others’ Following feed the way it does on other platforms.

Things that we are hoping to see and BlueSky has confirmed they are working on: group DMs, post editing, more sign-in options, and limiting post audience.

Many thanks to Will Jennings for the basics that got me started on BlueSky and helped me learn a few of the things I shared above: https://bsky.app/profile/drjennings.bsky.social/post/3latpdkjnz22m