Every time I get a little freer
I grieve who I could have been all along
It could have been this easy
I didn't know that I was wrong
I know it takes a journey
I know I needed time
But part of joy is aching
For the me I left behind
She'll never get to be this me
At 17 or 23
What I wouldn't give to give her
A life always this free
I grieve for my own body
My heart and brain got hurt a lot
So many years to get here
I did what I was taught
I grieve for the gift
I didn't know I could take,
that I could take it slow
All the friends I'd make
I needed longing met with kindness
And not just affirmation of ambition
I needed empathy and wisdom
Not expectations or a mission
I wish I could go back there
To tell her spread her wings
But she'd just say That's pretty
And buy butterfly earrings
I wish I had listened
When they sang I hope you dance
Because dancing isn't fun when
You fear every judging glance
Today I heard that solitude
Is just the liberty
From others' loud opinions
And rest starts with loving me
I know that in the future
I will look back to the me here
Mourning that I didn't know
Liberation from my fear
Archive
That’s All
Can’t pay attention
Brain broke
Too high a price
Can’t afford the toll
Out of memory
Blind to time
Got distracted from my work
To write down the rhyme
Podcast playing but I don’t hear
I hear but don’t listen
I listen but it’s unclear
Process in and out
Doesn’t hit the brain
All this shame
Driving me insane
Habits live hard
And they die fast
Working to sit still
But it doesn’t last
So much to think about
Just to think at all
Bump into the corner
To avoid a fall
Let me move
Let me be
What works for you
Doesn’t work for me
They call me gifted
They call me rare
My mind diverged
From the truth or dare
I got good grades
Flash good girl smile
Anxiety got me As
4.0 nerd style
But that doesn’t get you help
Doesn’t get what you need
So ladies do the work
Gotta let them see you bleed
So tired I go wild
So restless I need rest
But if you give me urgency
I’m passing every test
Novelty is candy
Need the energetic calm
Got the bounce in my leg
Got the stim toy in my palm
I organize to realize
I couldn’t survive otherwise
Losing things losing minds
Depression working overtime
Need a plan need a break
Keep it real never fake
Be proud of our kind
Break out of the grind
None of this is your fault
Stand strong stand tall
It’s A-D-H-D
That’s all.
Worship resources for affirming churches
Explore the links on this page for liturgies, devotionals, worship services, naming rites, marriage ceremonies, prayers, songs, Bible commentaries, and more.
A Place in God’s Heart, A Place at Christ’s Table published by the National Gay & Lesbian Task Force
Out in Scripture reflections on the HRC
Creating Sanctuary UK – Prayers and reflections guide
Music
Worship resources created by denominational LGBTQIA+ advocacy organizations but open to all churches:
- More Light (Presbyterian USA)
- Reconciling Ministries Network (United Methodist) (Also available on Send Owl)
- Amplify media video series: Faithful and Inclusive and Reclaiming Church (United Methodist)
- Resist Harm worship resources (United Methodist)
- Metropolitan Community Churches resource Google Drive
- Brethren Mennonite Council liturgies
- New Ways Ministries (Catholic) devotional readings
- Reconciling Works (Lutheran)
- Marriage resources from Covenant Network of Presbyterians
See the Queer Christian resources list for more!
International A-specs!
April 6 is International Asexuality Day, highlighting asexual organizations and people all over the world. Asexuality is not unique to North America or the UK. We are everywhere in every culture and country and time zone. Here are organizations highlighting not only asexuality but also aromanticism and both spectrums.
Argentina: https://twitter.com/asexualidad_ , https://twitter.com/arromanticos, https://twitter.com/Asexhh
Asia: https://linktr.ee/asexualityasia
Australia, New Zealand, Oceania, Asia Pacific: https://acearolinks.carrd.co/
Brazil: https://linktr.ee/coletivoabrace
Germany: https://aspecgerman.de/, https://twitter.com/aro_sphere, https://twitter.com/ace_arovolution
India: http://www.indianaces.org/
Ireland: https://aspecsireland.carrd.co/, https://twitter.com/IrishAsexuality
Mexico: https://asexualesmexico.com/
Netherlands: https://aseksualiteit.nl/
Nigeria: https://twitter.com/AceandNigerian
Spain: https://asexual.es/
UK: https://twitter.com/GlasgowAce
US: https://twitter.com/acelosangeles, https://twitter.com/AcesNYC
More ace and aro organizations across the U.S., Europe, and the Philippines: https://acesandaros.org/groups
More aro organizations here: https://www.aromanticism.org/en/in-person-communities
More ace organizations here: https://internationalasexualityday.org/en/local/
Rise – Easter sermon 2024
I had the honor of preaching for the Rise community at our Easter service this year. Here is the text of that sermon!
Happy Easter, my friends. I’m going to make this participatory in a simple way. I’m going to say He is risen, and that’s your cue to say or type in the chat or just think to yourself, He is risen indeed. Let’s try it.
He is risen! (He is risen indeed!) Good, good. Remember that, we’ll come back to it.
Do you remember the poster of the kitten hanging on the branch? Or “Shoot for the moon, even if you fail, you’re land among the stars.” “It doesn’t matter how slow you go, so long as you do not stop.” I was a kid in the 1990s, and schools were full of posters like this. One of them had a point, though. “What matters isn’t the number of times you fall, but the number of times you get back up.”
Teachers, parents, everyone loved these quotes, as evidenced by their Facebook posts to this day. But the achiever in me found it hard to believe them. If you fall, even if you finish the race, everyone’s going to see that you’re covered in dirt, right? If you go at your own pace, what happens when you get left behind? And do they know how far apart the stars and moon are?!
But then we grew up and all along the way, boy howdy did we fall. We learned to fail. We learned what it was to experience shame and rejection. We endured pain and suffering. We were disbelieved and discounted, our worth in the dust with our dreams. We lost people we thought we couldn’t live without and somehow we’re still taking in each breath, no matter how much it aches to keep going. We had the doors slammed in our faces and “moved through” stages of grief like a tennis ball in a dryer.
And then, like Job, maybe we have friends come along and lament with us for a while but the questions start like “What did you do to cause this?” and “Have you tried just ……….. [fill in the blank]?” The friends we thought we could count on get tired of our pain and our needs and we have to seek community who get us, who know what it’s like to feel trapped behind a stone in the dark. We start to wonder where we went wrong, or if God is that kind of deity who plays with people’s lives out of jealousy or testing or insecurity.
And we know we’re far from perfect, but hear this: you did not earn your suffering through either a need to prove your holiness or as punishment for some sin. That’s not Love. Sometimes the only answer we get is that we can’t know. Sometimes there is no why. Sometimes the world and our lives are terrifyingly out of our own control. And maybe the only way out is through. There are consequences for our actions, yes. But even then, we can rise again, each day fresh with no mistakes in it yet. We can start a new life, repairing and repenting for the harm we’ve done and building a better future.
That’s faith. It’s not memorizing a list of doctrines or achieving a resume of holiness or working our way up the ladder of church leadership into an inner circle. It’s trusting that it’s possible our hope is not in vain. It doesn’t require absolute certainty and perfect answers, but being willing to keep asking the questions. Even when everything is cold and quiet and dark in the night of the soul. Even when we are alone and can’t see the path out of the graves we are in.
I hope at some point in these deaths and mourning, we have all seen the dawn. We’ve remembered that spring returns after the long winter. We’ve fought for each step out of the night to just survive long enough to see the daylight. We’ve brought life out of the desolate places where everyone said we were never going to see hope again.
We are Rise Women. We, this whole community, we know resurrection. Even for those of you who barely showed up today, unsure if this whole Jesus thing is for you, for those of you who don’t know what to believe anymore, who feel like their faith is unraveling thread by thread. We say this for you when you can’t believe it yourself. For those of you who are so ready to be given an open door, your faith is on fire and you just need the opportunities you know you are skilled to handle. For those of you who are here, yet again, another unremarkable Easter. For those who are ready to do more than just survive the day to day. Say it with me: He is risen. (He is risen indeed.)
Sarah Bessey writes: “In the scriptures, the word for resurrection is usually a Greek one, anastasis. Often used in reference to the resurrection of Jesus, it’s somehow a physical sort of noun to me. After all, it means a rising up, a raising up, a standing up. After a time in the dirt, after our falling, after taking a seat, lying down, even after our collapse, our seeming end — anastasis is our rising. Like Jesus, we are raised up to new life. We find life out of death, water in the desert, hope out of grief. I’ve begun to see a multitude of resurrections hiding in plain sight in my life, far from traditional understandings of revival and grandiose demonstrations.”
This is crucial. It’s not the altar calls and the mountain tops. It’s not always the memorable testimonies and the huge achievements that become stories passed on through generations. Sarah says, “The regular resurrections of our lives are just as miraculous as the big, showy, attention-getting ones.” Just as much. Resurrection isn’t a ticketed event, where we all gather round to watch Jesus perform the stone-rolling trick. This story is about a woman weeping because her friend and teacher has been stolen from his final resting place. This is about the slow realization that the horrific assumption is not as it seems. The resurrection story is between friends reuniting and assurances from angels and eyes opened in conversation, in a cemetery garden, in a home, on the road, at the dinner table. This is a story of everyday ordinary rising.
The bread of life, broken for you and for many. Take it. Observe the power of the leavening, and then see the holes in his side. Feel how the dough refuses to turn to dust when beaten, strung out, encased in darkness and heat, but instead becomes whole, complete, the life it was always meant to impart.
Jesus knew his metaphors, huh? He knew this one, this one would make sense down the millennia. Bread is our friend. Even people who can’t eat things in your average gluteny loaf have invented other kinds. This is the stuff they left out of the He Gets Us ads. Bread. Timeless.
Another metaphor often used in Easter sermons is the flowers that require the dark and pressure of the ground to break open and sprout. The birds that must crack their shells and leave the nest in order to fly. The coal into diamonds and the oysters with their pearls. I’m sure you’ve heard them all, and maybe have some of your own that resonate with you.
But we already know what it feels like when this rising is softer, don’t we? Not a grand performance with a light show and a drum roll. As Barbara Brown Taylor writes in her book Learning to Walk in the Dark, “By all accounts, a stone blocked the entrance to the cave so that there were no witnesses to the resurrection. Everyone who saw the risen Jesus saw him after. Whatever happened in the cave happened in the dark. As many years as I have been listening to Easter sermons, I have never heard anyone talk about that part. Resurrection is always announced with Easter lilies, the sound of trumpets, bright streaming light. But it did not happen that way. If it happened in a cave, it happened in complete silence, in absolute darkness, with the smell of damp stone and dug earth in the air. Sitting deep in the heart of Organ Cave, I let this sink in: new life starts in the dark. Whether it is a seed in the ground, a baby in the womb, or Jesus in the tomb, it starts in the dark.”
So if today doesn’t feel triumphant and bright, if we are struggling to see in the unknowing and uncertainty that surrounds us, our anastasis might still be on the way.
Maybe it’s already in motion, even if we haven’t seen the light yet. Maybe it won’t come without you digging your way out and demanding to be untied from your grave clothes when others tried to bury you. But listen, Rise Women, maybe your story isn’t over yet.
Maybe there is rising left to do. Resurrection still to come. Maybe you’re going to be walking through life on the road of grief, and the worst seems to have happened, but then. But then you see Jesus is right there with you. The Spirit is forging you into a risen loaf. The Creator who mixed all of your ingredients together: your anger, your humility, your joy, your passion, your strengths and weaknesses, your empathy and your impatience, all of it. The Creator is bringing new life on the other side of this tomb.
Hope doesn’t come with instant yeast, though, you know? So sad. Hope comes with day by day, inch by inch, clawing our way through in defiance. Hope can be defiant, with refusing to let the forces of hopelessness win. Hope comes with noticing the little things and gratitude practices and breathing in and out, hanging on for just one more day. Hope rises in community and in embodiment and in connection. Hope rises when we are in this together and no one is left behind in our resurrections.
We’re not giving up.
There’s a scene in my favorite movie, Captain Marvel, that you’ve probably seen. Some may roll their eyes at its sincerity and call it cringe for being too genuine, but I love this stuff. At the climax, the enemy is telepathically showing Captain Marvel all the times in her forgotten past when being a fragile human girl made her weak. She experienced sexism from boys and men, she experienced physical hardship training for the Air Force, she experienced pain and deep grief and failure. But instead of being defeated by this evidence, Captain Marvel remembers for the first time in years what happened next in each of those scenarios, from her childhood on to adulthood. She got back up. She climbed out of the crashed go-kart and stood up in the batter’s box and got up out of the dirt and stood ready to fight as a trained Air Force pilot. She looks into the camera and every girl and woman in that audience knows. This isn’t just about a superhero story. This is about us. She is each one of us who has fallen. This is our power reflected back at us, the power of resurrection as we rise against all that would hold us down.
The Bible has stories like this. Dry bones coming back to life. Servants and only sons and little girls and Lazurus, a beloved brother and best friend of Jesus himself. All die. All rising again in the power of the Spirit. So many metaphorical risings too. Healings and storms calmed and songs of conquering their oppressors. There are many ways resurrection shows up. But it’s not the grand display of power every time. It’s the otherwise unremarkable days. The long, long, weary nights. The simple and ordinary moments, often too fleeting, and yet, and yet we can draw on this hope. We can know we are not alone.
Jesus didn’t just rise against the biological reality of death. He rose after betrayal and loss, after immense pain and suffering, after being disbelieved and disavowed and discredited. The shame and the humiliation and the abandonment. The despair and the inevitability despite his deepest pleas that he wouldn’t have to go through with it in the end. The loneliness and anxiety and tears.
I don’t say that to trigger some sort of Passion of the Christ flashback or church trauma. No one is about to cue up stats about how much physical torture the human body can endure to guilt-trip you into behavior modification. It’s the opposite of that, actually.
I’m saying, we Rise Women know some of these feelings Jesus is walking through here, living a fully human experience. We know betrayal, grief, pain, suffering, shame, abandonment, fear, depression. We know the nights pleading with God over and over to take this cup from us. We know loneliness when our friends don’t show up for us or when they even collaborate with those working against us. We know tears. We get it.
So believe me when I say, through the power of the Holy Spirit that rose Jesus from this grave on this Easter Sunday morning, you are not alone. You are not done yet. You are not trapped behind this stone of despair and hopelessness forever. Now, hear me, your conditions might not change. Like Jesus, you may still have the wounds in your side and scars on your hands. You may not be fixed or healed or have a perfect solution waiting for you when we leave our time here today. But I will promise you that hope can be a resurrection for you in the midst of it.
How? Honestly, I don’t know. That’s between you and your resurrector. Those of us with ADHD often say we don’t really have a sense of time. There are only two times of day to an ADHD brain: now and not now. We have that in common with the theologians who describe God’s time that way. We live in the now and not now, the kingdom of God isn’t here yet with its peace and reconcilation and wholeness and everything made right, but it is also here now on earth as it is in heaven. And, what’s more, we’re the ones called and equipped to bring it about, as the emissaries of hope, the ones running back to our friends to proclaim the mystery of the faith: He is risen! (He is risen indeed!)
The now part of resurrection is realized every time the Spirit moves us to bring life and renewal to ourselves, our neighbors, our communities, Creation, and the world around us. We live in both the now and not now. I don’t pretend to know God’s plans or if or when God will show up and reveal that it’s been him all along walking beside you. Keep your eyes open, though, because that resurrection lives in you.
It’s what we do. We rise.
Leader: We are rising.
ALL: We are rising indeed.
ADHD Showed Me I Wasn’t a Spiritual Failure
I had the honor of writing about ADHD and spiritual practices for Sojourners Magazine!
If you had told me 11 years ago at my first contemplative retreat that I had ADHD, I would have been skeptical. I was an organized, overachieving Enneagram 3, a bookworm, and a grown professional woman — not a small bouncy boy disturbing his classroom because of his attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. The problem, I was told by all around me, was that I lacked spiritual discipline. But just a few hours into the retreat on a Saturday afternoon, I had to admit I wasn’t excelling at the assignment of stillness and silence.
When a friend had suggested the Jesuit-led contemplative retreat, I’d eagerly agreed. At the time, I was fresh out of college, dealing with a boatload of baggage from a brief flirtation with charismatic church culture, and spiritually restless. I also felt trapped in a spiral of shame, depression, and anxiety. Maybe spending some time at a beautiful, peaceful retreat center would discipline my hyperactive mind into spiritual maturity.
Read more here!
https://sojo.net/articles/adhd-showed-me-i-wasnt-spiritual-failure
Can still?
When we say aros can date or aces can have sex, we aren’t appealing to normativity; we’re speaking about liberation and against gold-star gatekeeping. There is no vow of singleness or celibacy in being a-spec. You can do what you want. It’s about identity not behavior.
The context for these discussions is when allos and gatekeeping a-specs say we aren’t really ___ because they think it’s about choices. If you understand that and don’t have anyone telling you, “But you can’t be a-spec because you….” then these discussions are not for you. And that’s great!
It means we are making progress if a-spec people don’t know why it’s important and educational to separate behavior and identity. If you aren’t constantly conscious if you’re acting aro or ace enough “to count.” If you accept without question that there are many ways to be a-spec, that’s amazing because it’s proof that the last decade of activism worked!
But if you know your own community history, you understand why these phrases like “can still date” or “some aces have sex” are vital to liberation frameworks. Not long ago, this was MIND-BLOWING. And controversial.
So congrats if you don’t get it because you had elders who came before you to pave the groundwork so you don’t have to fight the need to police your behavior to prove you belong or have earned your labels.
This is not purity culture. You don’t have to repent or reform your life choices or pledge your virginity or stay single or be accountable to a leader who will determine if you are living in asexual or aromantic righteousness. THAT’S what we mean when we say you can date as an aro person or have sex while being asexual. For some people, that’s the missing piece they need to hear and is not at all as obvious to them as it is to you.
You Are Not Bad Representation: A list of things you don’t have to do
1. You don’t have to be perfect as a queer person to prove that queerness is good. For the Christians, this might show up as pressure to individually always display fruit of the spirit to prove we are morally okay. While queer-affirming theology does lead to fruit of the spirit at a population level, you individually don’t have to be perfect to prove queerness as a whole is okay.
2. You don’t have to be content or fulfilled as a single aromantic and/or asexual person. There’s a lot of pressure on us to prove we aren’t missing out or scared of commitment or broken. But it’s okay to feel lonely because honestly life is lonely sometimes, and being a-spec in an amatonormative world is hard.
3. You don’t have to want to date or have sex even if you are allo and queer. Liberation isn’t about checking off a list of formerly forbidden behaviors. It just makes what you DO want possible because you have the freedom to choose.
4. You don’t have to want poly, open, or otherwise ethical nonmonogamous relationships in order to be supportive of others’ choices and desires. It’s okay to say this isn’t for you while advocating for others to have the same freedom of choice in the opposite direction.
5. You can decide your labels were wrong and change them, add more, or stay questioning forever. There’s no deadline to join a faction or house or cabin. This is not a fictional school or dystopian society. Even if it means detransitioning or deciding you aren’t attracted to your gender or realizing you aren’t on the a-spectrum after all. You’re always welcome as long as it’s helpful, and you’re welcome back if you change your mind or find better language. Keep fighting for your former community and be a well-informed ally.
6. You don’t have to date or have sex with someone of your same gender. You don’t have to dress androgynous as a nonbinary person or pass as cis if you’re transitioning. You don’t have to change your appearance or music or media tastes or hobbies to fit in. It’s about identity, not behavior.
7. You don’t have to renounce everyone you’ve been with or every term you previously identified with. You don’t have to have been born this way or have known as a kid. There’s no “must have exhibited symptoms before age ___” diagnostic criteria. Your whole story is your story, whether you’ve always known or just realized at age 80. Fluidity, self-awareness, and learning new terms are all valid reasons to identify differently than you did when you were younger.
8. You do not have to drink alcohol.
9. You don’t have to be feminine to be a gay man or masculine to be a lesbian. You don’t have to hate Valentine’s and rom-coms to be aro or hate sexual humor or erotica to be asexual. You don’t have to be hyperfeminine to be a trans woman or hypermasculine to be a trans man. Or feel completely androgynous to be nonbinary or agender. You can have as many genders as you want or any self-experience or expression.
10. Relatedly, you don’t have to stick to gender roles. The point is that we’re breaking free of heteronormativity, not recreating it in a more inclusive way. Stop expecting trans men or butch lesbians or bear gay men to fill patriarchal “man of the house ” “wears the pants” roles, and stop treating trans women and femme lesbians and twink gay men to be the delicate or incapable or weak one. What choices work for you is between you and your partner, not the “shoulds” of rebranded patriarchy.
A complicated year
I started this year with a specific Word of the Year, a tradition in Christian women’s circles dating back to the heyday of the “blogsphere.” I usually don’t remember mine by April, but this year was different. This year the word that came to me, or that I picked (depending on what you believe about such things), was “complicated.”
As in, letting myself be.
I refused to simplify myself any longer. I would not pretend to be straight for others’ comfort. I would not pretend to be the perfect gold-star aromantic asexual person while denying the reality of my vague sapphic attractions, while accepting that I would never be fully accepted in the lesbian community either. Aromantic and yet a romantic. A cis woman and yet deeply, intrinsically, queerly, asexually so.
I would not hide that I have nontraditionally presenting ADHD in addition to my variety pack of mental illnesses. I would give up trying to screen and test myself over and over for autism, which I probably don’t actually have but also don’t not have entirely. I would be hyperactive and exhausted, both wrapped in brain fog and begging for someone quick enough to catch up with my twice-exceptional brain that has already put the pieces together. I would live into the reality of my disabilities despite feeling unqualified to use that term. I would respect my body’s needs and differences as my own and not the object of others’ expectations.
Continue reading “A complicated year”The persuasive power of queer joy
Yesterday, my Twitter friend Billie Hoard wrote out this thread and I was blown away by how true it resonated with me and so many. I asked her if I could include it as a guest post here so you could save it, return to it, and share it with those who need to hear it.
I find I am a little bit sad today that the recital of queer suffering still seems to be the primary and most effective argument to move Christians towards affirming theology.
Christians should embrace queer affirming theology because of the clear and holy joy that radiates from queer Christians.
Christians should embrace queer affirming theology because “look at how they love one another” while lacking everywhere, is more true of the queer community as a whole, despite our infighting and fractures, than it is of the Christian community as a whole.
Christians should embrace queer affirming theology because God’s Holy Spirit is moving among queer Christians and who are they to deny inclusion to those the Lord God has already included.
Christians should embrace queer affirming theology as a joyful embrace of God’s diverse and diversifying Creation.
Christians should embrace queer affirming theology because queer weddings are some of the most beautiful images of God’s love for Their Bride, the church, that anyone will ever witness.
Christians should embrace queer affirming theology because the sparkle in the eye of a trans girl who gets her first dress is a window into the absolute dancing Joy of the Holy Spirit as She witnesses our sanctification.
Christians should embrace queer affirming theology because our ace and aro siblings carry so much of God’s joy and wisdom regarding connection and being in the world.
Christians should embrace queer affirming theology because our non-binary siblings are some of the most free and beautiful humans on this planet of ours and the dance of their lives teaches us so so much about the Trinity and ourselves.
Christians should embrace queer affirming theology because without queer people the Body of Christ is incomplete and bleeding.
Christians should embrace queer affirming theology because trans men have so much to teach us all about what is and is not healthy in our culture’s take on masculinity. They show us the masculinity of Christ.
Christians should embrace queer affirming theology because of the glory, passion, and wholeness that our bi and pan siblings bring to this world.
Billie Hoard is a transgender lesbian wife and father, a high school teacher, an author, and a queer Anabaptist radical. A consummate generalist, she holds an MA in liberal arts, and she writes on topics ranging from fairy tales and C. S. Lewis to theology, queerness, and philosophy.
Follow her on Substack (https://billieiswriting.substack.com) and @billieiswriting on Twitter, BlueSky, and Threads.
